For two cents, I’d go home to mother

For two cents, I’d go home to mother —  From the Red Skelton radio show, 1952, “Barber who is trying to improve his shop” – Red Skelton as the inebriate Willie Lump-Lump, a would-be barber

Mrs. Lump-Lump: Willy, for two cents I’d go home to mother!

Willy Lump-Lump (Red Skelton): Oh sweetheart, I feel like a heel

Mrs. Lump-Lump: Oh, Willy, really?

Willy Lump-Lump (Red Skelton): I don’t have two cents.