I’ve invented a new drink for New Year’s Eve – garlic and soda! It’s for people who don’t like to drink but want to wake up stinkin’!
People ask me what I’m doin’ for New Years. I answer, Nothin’! It comes in all on its own!
The little boy is watching his parents the day after New Years. His friend asks, what are they doin’? They’re celebratin’ St. Patrick’s Day! How can you tell? They is turnin’ green!
Two drunks are sitting at a bar. One turns to the other and says, once I’m done with this drink, I’m going home to the meanest, nastiest, ugliest woman in the world! The other drunk punches him! The first drunk gets up, and asks, what was that for? The other drunk answers, you’re cheating with my wife!
Heathcliffe and Gertrude are talking about New Years Eve. Heathcliffe says, come New Years Eve, I’m gonna have a Capistrano Special. Gertrude: Capistrano Special? What’s that? Heathcliffe: One swallow after another! (source: Monotony on the Bounty)