During his Royal Command Performance for HBO, Red Skelton told a lot of old age jokes. Since he was celebrating his 70th birthday, he should know! Enjoy the jokes!
- But it’s a lot of fun being here. And of course, at my age, it’s a lot of fun to be anywhere, you know? You know how to tell you’re getting old? It’s when your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
- But talking about health and stuff, I really feel good. I found a great way to start the day. You go back to bed. But every afternoon, I have aerobic naps.
- I play a lot of senior citizen places … There’s one place in the States called Sun City, it’s in Arizona, see. And these people there … now, I’m old. I’m old. They refer to me as Sonny. This one little lady, I says, “How old are you?” She says, “84.” I said, “What do you do for excitement?” She said, “Oh, we date, we date. I had a date with a fellow that was 91 … the rascal! I slapped him three times.” I said, “He got fresh?” She said, “No, no, I wanted to see if he was still alive.”
- But great wisdom comes with age, great wisdom. This little guy, 85 years old, he says to his friend, “I’m getting married.” He says, “Yeah? Who you gonna marry?” He says, “That little waitress down the street. She’s only 20.” He says, “You’re 85, you’re gonna marry a girl of 20? Boy, that could be sudden death.” He says, “If she dies, she dies.”
- I talked to one little fella, he says, “I’m going to the hang gliders school. Been going there for about three months now.” I said, “How many successful jumps do you have to make before you graduate?” He says, “All of them.”
- But did you ever see elderly people, things that they do, like when they take out their teeth, they look like they’re eating their nose. And when they stand together, they look like parentheses. I saw this one little lady down there in Arizona. She was so bow-legged, if she’d run, she’d look like an egg beater. She said she got her bow legs from hitchhiking rides on oil trucks.
- They were standing there talking, one of them says, “It’s dull around here, ain’t it?” She says, “It certainly is.” Says, “What can we do for some excitement?” She says, “I don’t know.” “Let’s strip off and run right down Main Street.” So they did. They run down the main street and they passed two officers in a squad car and they watched them go by. One of them says, “Wasn’t that the Elviry sisters that just went by?” He said, “Yeah.” He says, “What were they wearing?” The other one says, “I don’t know, but they went out to get it pressed.” I tell you, they get those wrinkles ironed out, they’d be nine feet tall, you know?”