Valentine’s Day jokes by Red Skelton – enjoy!
- Greeting card store at the corner has.a sign: “Buy a Valentine’s Day card. The wife you save may be your own!”
- My wife, Little Red, she’s always reminding me in a subtle way to buy her a Valentine’s Day card, see? So I pretend I don’t know what she’s talking about. Like yesterday, she said, “What’s lavender and covered with lace?” And I says, “Liberace’s shorts.”
- And last year I got in trouble on Valentine’s Day. I went down to the candy store and I says, “Fix a nice, big, heart-shaped box and fill it with sweets.” And I wrote a little card on it, and I said, “What’s inside reminds me of you.” And you know, they filled it full of nuts.
Valentine’s Day candy
- Hey, let me give a little tip to the husbands in the audience: Never give your wife a five pound box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, especially if she’s dieting. See, now, what you do may be from the heart, but that’s not where it goes.
- Hey, and another thing you must remember, you can give a girl a box of candy for Valentine’s Day, and overnight she’ll change from a dreamboat into a tug boat!
Valentine’s Day – teens
- You know, television has changed the courting habits of America. Now like, there was this guy went to see his girl, and she’s got this little brother of hers, see? So the guys says, “Hey. Here’s half a dollar. Why don’t you go to a movie?” The kid says, “Here’s a buck. Let me stay here and make notes.” About a half hour later the little kid came back in. He says, “I’ll take the money. I’m going out. I didn’t know this was going to be a rerun.”
- And the teenagers, they’re kind of cute with Valentine’s Day. There was one little kid who walked into a store, andd he says, “Do you have a card that reads: You’re the only girl I’ll ever love?” And the guy says, “Yeah, we got one like that.” He says, “I’ll have six of them.”
Engagements on Valentine’s Day
- No, but I proposed to my wife, Little Red, on Valentine’s Day, and I remember I said to her father, “Can I have your daughter’s hand?” He says, “It’s all right with me, as long as you take the one that’s always in my pocket.”
- I proposed to Little Red, I sat there for about five minutes, and finally I said, “Will you marry me?” And she said, “Yes.” Then there was a long silence, and she says, “Haven’t you got any more to say?” I said, “I think I’ve said too much already.”
- Hey, Willie Dahl, our stage manager, his girl got mad at him and she sent his engagement ring back. But the way she did it was kind of sad. In a big red box all covered with ribbons, and it said, “Handle with care. Glass.”
- Willie says, “This is the 13th time she’s postponed our wedding. Do you think that’s bad luck?” I says, “Not if she keeps on doing it!”
- Hey, but his girl showed me her ring. And I looked at it and I said, “That’s real pretty. I bet your girlfriends admire it.” She says, “Admire it? Four of them recognized it!”
Source: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Dumb