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Red Skelton jokes on weddings

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Red Skelton jokes on weddings

President Johnson’s daughter’s wedding

  • Luci Bird’s wedding was really nice, though. She came down the center aisle and the choir sang, “Oh Promise Me“. And the President was behind saying, “He’d better.”
  • It was an interesting wedding, though. All those Democrats throwing old shoes at the bride and groom, and the Republicans trying them on.
  • You know what I think? I think every public official should have a daughter to marry off. That way, they can see what it’s like to spend their own money for a change.

Married life for the President’s daughter

  • You know, I wonder what it would be like to be married to be married to the President of the United States’ daughter. After their first quarrel, she goes home to her father, and he goes to Leavenworth.
  • And what he’s gonna have to do is get used to her cooking. Can you imagine for breakfast, oatmeal and barbecue sauce?
  • And you know, when I got married to Georgia, she set her first cooked meal in front of me, and it was right there and then I realized a woman’s work is never done..
  • Hey, how about that wedding cake they had at the President’s, his daughter’s wedding. A great big thing, you know. They had three figures on the top: the bride, the groom, and a secret service man.
  • Can you imagine what that’d be like if we married and go on a honey moon, see, a voice says “Move over,” and he says, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am”?
  • Did you see the tough time they had cuttin’ that big cake, you know? It was a Texas cake, it was made out of stucco and adobe. And she stood there and she was feeding Nugent this cake, see? And he was <chewing> and he spit it out. Now he’s a Republican and she’s a Democrat. They can shove that stuff down their throat, but that don’t mean you gotta swallow it!

Gertrude and Heathcliffe

  • Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the two seagulls, are talking, see. He says, “Well, it looks like President Johnson will now be called Lydon Bird.” She says, “What, is he one of the birds now?” He says, “Certainly, after that wedding you should see the bill he’s gonna get!”

Wedding ceremony

  • At the wedding ceremony, the preacher says all these long words, and asks the woman, “Dost thou take this man?” and she says, “Yes”. He asks the groom, “Wilt thou take this woman?” and he says, “Yes”. Already, she’s dustin’ and he’s wiltin’! (Our Man Fink)

Wedding in France

[In France, Red was walking by a wedding. He explains to the audience that “Je ne sais quo” means “I don’t know”.]. There was this 60 year old man, and he was marrying this 20 year old girl. And …. I said to a fellow standing there, “Who’s getting marries?” “Je ne sais quo.” So the next day I go by this same church, and they’re having a big funeral. I says, “Who’s dead?” “Je ne sais quoi”. “That’s what he gets for marrying that young girl!” (The Pied-Eyed Piper)

Celebrity weddings

  • But wasn’t it a wonderful summer, though, for romance, you know? I went to Sinatra’s wedding. Yeah, it was kind of cute you know, the wedding, it was. They finally got her thumb out of her mouth long enough to get the ring on the finger. [Eenie Meenie Minee Schmo]
  • Frank’s having trouble with her already … she’s teething.
  • Isn’t that awful? Go to a guy’s wedding, eat his cake, and then talk about his wife.
  • But everybody this summer got married, it seemed like. Frank Sinatra got married, Luci Bird Johnson got married. Zsa Zsa Gabor is the only one that stood pat.
  • And the guys that are getting married, the ages difference, you know. How about that Supreme Court justice, Douglas? Yeah. I got an idea she’s gonna teach him justice.