Be It Ever So Homely There’s No Face Like Clem

Be It Ever So Homely, There's No Face Like Clem - with Tina Louise

Be It Ever So Homely There’s No Face Like Clem – with Tina Louise – The Red Skelton Hour season 15, originally aired February 8, 1966

Be It Ever So Homely, There’s No Face Like Clem. Clem Kadiddlehopper is chosen as “the ugliest man in the world”. To be a movie star! With the help of his girlfriend, Daisy June (Tina Louise).

Monologue

  • Sophia Loren. Ever see her in a low-cut dress? No wonder that tower’s leaning?
  • Boy the traffic jam tonight. It was fun, though, watching the snails whiz by.
  • They found out that the CBS eye needed glasses when it winked at Phyllis Diller.
  • They say you gotta get a lot of rest, go to bed with the chickens. I tried, but I fell off the roost.
  • They say at the age of 60, you tend to slow down. Cary Grant says, a lot you know!
  • Gertrude and Heathcliffe: You know, I wish I had a bigger bill. I’d be a stork, deliver babies, and make a lot of money. Gertrude: No, storks deliver babies, but it’s doctors who have the big bills!

Be It Ever So Homely, There’s No Face Like Clem

Act I

Sign: Kadiddlehopper Corners
Sign: Change here for Underwear Falls and Petticoat Junction

Clem knocks his father into the stove. Clem is working as station master. He tries to stop the train, so people will buy things at their station.

Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): “That Clem’s the best argument for family planning. One look at him and you plan to not have a family.”

Hollywood director Fritz Flicker (Roland Winters) comes in to complain about Clem stopping the train. Daisy June (Tina Louise) comes in.

Daisy June (Tina Louise): Clem, darling, your lips were made for me.
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): They were? How’d they end up on me?

Fritz Flicker (Roland Winters): Girls go for ugly guys?
Daisy June (Tina Louise): Sure! When they walk out on you, who cares?

Act II

Hollywood director Fritz Flicker plans a “Mr. Ugly Contest” to find a leading man, since Daisy June has convinced him that girls go for homely men. They must prove that they are both ugly, and without talent. Clem plays the world’s smallest accordion. After Clem accidentally swallows the accordion, Daisy June: “Finish the number, Clem! I know you’ve got it in you!” Final event: each contest must prove he has a face that can stop the clock.

Act III

A year later, Clem & Daisy June are at the Irving Awards ceremony.

Daisy June (Tina Louise): Clem, sit down, use your head. Clem:
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): Use my head? I’m an actor, not a contortionist!

Clem horse plays with opening the envelopes, finally winning. Clem’s presented the award by last year’s winner, a gorilla, who trashes the ceremony.

Classic Red Skelton sketch

The Corpus Delecti

Red doing a spoof on murder mysteries. Horrible Humphrey (Red): “Anybody messes with me, it’s curtains for them. I got a rod in my pocket. It’s a curtain rod.” Slap fight with Mickey the Rat/Michael the Rodent. The trio discusses how to get rid of “it”. Which turns out to be an old Christmas tree.

The Spectre De La Rose

A funny bit, with Red mixing spoof with serious ballet.

The Silent Spot – the world’s oldest secret agent

Red Skelton plays his old man chracter, Pops, as the world’s oldest secret agent. He’s investigating a murder of a man with four eyes. There’s a collection of unusual suspects. He meets a four-armed butler, losing his glasses. He heads upstairs. Soon, all of the suspects, including the butler than the presumed-dead man, all kill each other. And then Pops finally finds his glasses! Just int time to accidentally kill his boss!

Songs

  • Tina Louise sings, ‘The Lady is a Tramp.’
  • Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass perform three of their hits: “Zorba the Greek,” “Mexican Shuffle” and “Tijuana Taxi.”