Bratman – with Fernando Lamas – The Red Skelton Show, season 15, originally aired April 19, 1966
In Bratman, Red Skelton‘s Junior, the mean little kid, discovers that his father (Fernando Lamas) is actually a jewel thief! And Junior ruins the plans of the jewel thieves by accident.
- This is the time of year when all young man start thinking of wine, women, and song. Of course, at my age it’s not exactly wine, women, and song. It’s more like beer, medicare, and Lawrence Welk.
- And this is the time of the year when people do impetuous things. This morning on the freeway, I saw a woman getting a ticket for having her top down. And it wasn’t a convertible …. You never saw so many witnesses in all your life!
- There was a fellow who was a little drunk, see, he starts to step off the curb just at the light changes. And the officer says, “Hold it, get back on the curb, I’ll tell you when the pedestrians can cross.” So the guy moves back, he stands there for a couple minutes looking around, and doesn’t realize the light has changed. He starts off again, the light changes, the officer says “Now there! I told you, back on the curb! I’ll tell you when the pedestrians can cross.” The guy gets back on the curb, he’s mad now. He starts to cross, just as the light changes. The officer says, “I told you …” but the man interrupts. “I know, I know. Always the pedestrians. Tell me, sir, when can the Catholics cross?”
- Talking about automobiles, traffic and stuff like that, everything on cars today are automatic. For instance now, my wife, Little Red … She has the most fantastic thing on her car. The seat goes back, and the steering wheel goes to the right, and the door swings open. It’s called a “collision”.
- I won’t say how bad my wife drives, but the last time she put a tiger in the tank, it got out and walked! This old tiger said, “I’d rather take my chances in the jungle, boy.”
- A lot of people come to California at this time of year for their holidays, their vacations, you know. You see the high record we have of accidents out here? Well, that’s not because of the Californians, it’s the out of towners that cause the trouble. I’ll show you what I mean. Driving down to the studio today, the lady in front of me, had Ohio plates on her car, stopped for a red light. How do you like that?
- Red segues into a variation on his “pedestrian polo” routine.
Bratman, Act I
Bratman begins at the Cavendish mansion, where the cook (Vito Scotti) and housekeeper are complaining about the Cavendish’s bratty son, Junior. He soon enters, chasing the upstairs maid downstairs! Soon after Junior creates a slingshot from the cook’s spaghetti and meatballs …. The staff quits!
This leaves Mr. Cavendish (Fernando Lamas) in a pickle, as he has to leave for a meeting. Soon, it’s revealed that he’s actually Raffles Cavendish, “a poor but honest jewel thief.” So , he locks Junior in the house and leaves. But Junior hasn’t been watching Hogan’s Heroes for nothing! He makes a ladder out of spaghetti and breadsticks, and out the window he goes!
Bratman, Act II
Soon, Junior has followed his father to the hideout of the Jewel thieves. Raffles explains the plan to his cohorts Bustles (Chanin Hale) and Muscles …. While Junior “sneaks” in. After some horseplay, he threatens to throw a massive tantrum if his father won’t let him come along on the robbery. But all that gets him is locked into a barrel! So, when the gang leaves …. Roll out the barrel …
Bratman, Act III
Junior follows his father — and the rest of the gang — to the high-class party, where they’re planning a heist. The plan is to detonate an explosive, and during the confusion swap a duplicate dress with a fake jewel for the real one worn by their host — Mrs. Gottrocks. However, Junior’s arrival throws a monkey wrench into the works.
Soon, he, Raffles, and Muscles are playing “hot potato” with the explosive! But Junior throws it out the window at the last moment …. Blowing up his father’s getaway car, of course. Trying to rescue the plan, they turn the lights out, and Raffles tries to take off Mrs. Gottrocks dress …. To replace it with the imitation, of course. But Mrs. Gottrocks runs out in her underwear, and Junior is wearing the dress! Bratman ends with Raffles and his gang going off to jail.
Classic Red Skelton Sketch – Parking and Sparking
A cute contrast between two couples parked on lover’s lane. The first is an upper crust couple, while the other is a version of Bolivar Shagnasty with his girlfriend. The second couple mirrors the first couple’s discussion, love, and heartbreak. A funny bit, that ends with both girls walking off alone.
Red Skelton and Fernando Lamas on Stage
After some initial patter – working Red’s album, Red Skelton Conducts into the discussion – they do a funny slapstick bit. Fernando Lamas plays the part of a short-tempered music instructor, armed with a rolled-up newspaper. Red plays his new student, who keeps getting swatted as he keeps misunderstanding the temperamental teacher.
Guest vocalist Ike Cole sings:
The Silent Spot
In the Silent Spot, Red plays a Stone Age man trying to invent the wheel. While trying to get a girl … But a handsome caveman keeps stealing his girls! Can his new invention help?
- This program was originally scheduled to air on March 8, 1966 but was pre-empted by a news-special broadcast.
- The name of “Raffles” for a gentleman jewel thief comes from a novel written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s brother-in-law. Raffles is effectively a counterpoint to Sherlock Holmes. Raffles has been the subject of multiple movie adaptations.
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton – Host / Junior Cavendish – the Mean Widdle Kid
- Ike Cole … Guest Vocalist
- Chanin Hale … Bustles (Raffle’s assistant), as well as the sexy cave woman
- Fernando Lamas (The Lost World) … Raffles Cavendish, Junior’s Dad
- Peter Mamakos … Muscles (Raffle’s assistant)
- Barbara Morrison … Mrs. Gottrocks, old cavewoman
- Vito Scotti … Chef
- Monty Margetts … Housekeeper