Goofy Goofy Gander

Goofy Goofy Gander, starring Red Skelton as Clem Kadiddlehopper and Stanley Holloway

Goofy Goofy GanderThe Red Skelton Hour, season 15, originally aired November 16, 1965

Opening monologue

  • Airport: 2 guys are filling an airplane with jet fuel, and they wonder what it tastes like … bourbon? So, they both drink some. The next day, one of them calls the other and asks,:”how do you feel?” The other man replies, “Okay.” The first man warns the other, “Don’t burp! I’m in Chicago!”
  • It was so cold the other night that my refrigerator got in bed with me.
  • My refrigerator said, we should get married. Why? We have so much in common. Such as? I’m full of baloney too!
  • Do you know how we make antifreeze? We take away her heavy underwear.
  • California: the only place you can get suntan and frostbite at the same time.
  • World’s shortest pantomime: what to do if a rattlesnake bites you.
  • Pantomime: exercise your face.

Goofy Goofy Gander

In Goofy Goofy Gander, an English lord (Stanley Holloway) fears that his round-eggcup business will be hurt by Clem Kadiddlehopper‘s square-egg laying hen.

Act I – Clem unwittingly has his hen lay a square egg

[Clem trying to pour a pudgy woman a glass of cider at his father’s store … and failing.]

Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): I’m going to do something that’ll make you proud of me.
Pa Kaddiddlehopper (Jan Arven): Clem, suicide’s never the answer.

[Clem trying to encourage his hen, Genevieve, to lay an egg. She lays a square egg.]

Poultry Contest Judge: A square egg! That’s amazing!
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton):What’s more amazing is that she’s still smiling.

Act II – in England, fear that square eggs will drive the egg cup company out of business

Assistant: What are you doing with that starch?
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): I’m going to mix it with my snuff to keep a stiff upper lip.

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): One more Kadiddle, and we’ll be right in the hopper.

Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): [after shaking hands while holding a square egg, breaking it] If it wasn’t so hokey, I’d say the yolk was on me.

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): it must be the American’s revenge for the Beatles.

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): That’s Napoleon brandy.
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): One sniff and I’ll be looking for Josephine!
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): You think fast! Not good, but fast.

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): We could go down to my club and play a little snooker.
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): Please, sir! I thought you was a married man!
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): Do you know what ‘snooker’ is?
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): A female sneaker?

[Clem tries to play pool – prop slapstick comedy]

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): If you stop producing square eggs, we’ll give you 1,000 pounds!
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): 1,000 pounds of what?
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): What do you think?
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): A a farm boy, I’m afraid to ask!

[Clem wants to be an M.P. — Master of Poultry, but the Englishmen think he wants to be a Member of Parliament]

Act III – Clem becomes a member of Parliment!

Stanley Holloway bribes Clem Kadiddlehopper by making him a member of Parliment - in Goofy Goofy Gander

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): Future member of Parliament, Lord Clem Kadiddlehopper!

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): Come to the lectern. You know what a lecturn is, don’t you?
Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): Sure! A lecturn is the opposite of a right turn!

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): [referring to Clem] Why do they keep saying ‘hear, hear’ to a man who’s not all there there?

Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): [takes a Lord’s powdered wig off his head, tosses it in the air, puts it back]That was a man flipping his wig!

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): We have the House of Lords, and the House of Commons. We accept you into the House of Lords. [cheering]
Lord: Who’s cheering?
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): The House of Commons.

Clem Kaddiddlehopper (Red Skelton): I’m not surprised at being a Lord. When I was born, my Pa said, “Oh, Lordy!”

[pulls the telephone line that his Pa is on, pulling Pa across the world into the House of Lords]

Stanley Holloway and Clem Kadiddlehopper in Goofy Goofy Gander

Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): What about the chicken that laid the square eggs?
Pa Kaddiddlehopper (Jan Arven): She ain’t with us no more. She died from a bad case of Ma’s cooking.
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): What did she cook?
Sir Whitecliff, Eggcup Tycoon (Stanley Holloway): 1-2-3 … The chicken!

Classic silent skit – Clem selling a book on how to be married & happy

  • How the husband would like to have married life
  • How the wife would like to have married life
  • Married life a it really is

Red Skelton & Stanley Holloway on stage

  • I’ll bet you $5 that you won’t answer all 3 questions ‘cigarette’
  1. (straight question) answers, ‘cigarette’
  2. (straight question) answers, ‘cigarette’
  3. Would you rather have the $5, or a cigarette? Red pauses, waits for the audience reaction, answers ‘cigarettee’. Stanley gives him a cigarette & walks off with the $5

Songs

The Silent Spot

In the Silent Spot, Red plays a movie star trying to plant his footprints in concrete outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater but running into obstacles with a cop, tourists (who keep taking ‘souvenirs’ of his clothing), and a cement-layer (who keeps getting knocked into the cement – following the rule of three). Shoeshine boy, upon getting stiffed for a tip, draws a Hitler mustache on Red. Running gag of the makeup man cleaning up Red after each incident, only to cover his face with powder — makeup! Finally gets to put his feet in cement — and promptly sinks as though he’s in quicksand!

Cast of characters