Jerk of All Trades [Red Skelton Show]

A Jerk of All Trades - Clem Kadiddlehopper, Tallulah Bankhead - The Red Skelton Hour, season 15

A Jerk of All Trades – The Red Skelton Hour season 15, originally aired December 14, 1965 – with Tallulah Bankhead

In A Jerk of All Trades, Clem Kadiddlehopper becomes a human bloodhound, tracking down gas leaks and causing trouble at Tallulah Bankhead’s perfume shop.

monologue | Jerk of All Trades | Classic skit | Songs | The Silent Spot

Opening monologue

  • Red Skelton saw a young boy missing two front teeth, and asked him if he shifted gears on a lollipop. No, the boy says, he loves to eat spaghetti through the holes. The spaghetti slaps him on both sides of the face, and it makes it look like he’s smiling. But how did eating spaghetti cause you to lose the teeth? Some wise guy tied a knot in it!
  • Stuck on the highway in a traffic jam, a police officer comes over and writes Red a ticket. What for? Speeding. Speeding? Why, I haven’t moved an inch in two hours! The police officer changes it to loitering.
  • Pantomime on being a gas station attendant.

Jerk of All Trades

A Jerk of All Trades - Clem Kadiddlehopper, Tallulah Bankhead - The Red Skelton Hour, season 15

Something doesn’t smell quite right when gas company employee Clem Kadiddlehopper searches for a gas leak in the perfume factory owned by Madame Fragrant (Tallulah Bankhead).

Act I

Clem, late for a job interview at the gas company.

  • “Have you read gas meters?”
    “No, but I’ve read Huck Finn.”
  • “Maybe you can collect bills.”
    “Bill’s what?”
  • “What happens when someone can’t pay their gas bill?”
    “Normally, we move!”
  • “I’m the human blood hound — do you want me to bleed for you?”

Clem eventually gets hired as a human gas leak finder.

Act II

Tallulah Bankhead demonstrates new perfumes, alá a high-class dress shop.

“Are you for real, or are you a reject from the Twilight Zone? If you’re a nightmare, you’re 10 hours early.”

Tallulah Bankhead

Clem knocks a hole in the wall, starts pounding on pipes – before tying them in knots. After breaking the bottle of her new perfume, Clem identifies the components by smell.

“I’ll be expecting you for supper at my flat.”
“At your flat what?”

Act III

Tallulah’s trying to entice Clem to smell out the ingredients in her competitors’ products.

  • “Would you like to sup?”
    “Okay by me, but shouldn’t we eat first?”
  • “It’s too light in here.”
    “It is?”
    “Yes, I can still see you.”

The fog rolls in, and he can’t smell anything!

Classic Red Skelton Skit

Cowboy group singing San Antonio Rose. Deadeye then comes in. “What happened to that old cuspidor?” “We had to throw it out.” “I’m gonna miss that old cuspidor.” “You always did.”

You’re a stranger here, aren’t you? I’m from Texas, where men are men and women are women – and that’s the best arrangement!

Lucille Knock comes in as a saloon girl. Haven’t seen you for around six months. What you been doin’? About six months.” “I like your dress. You know what holds that up? City ordinance!” “Are you a real cow puncher?” “No, I slap gophers!”

Deadeye sits down to the piano to play, no music happens. “This is just for you, gal. On account of it’s Christmas time. Silent night!”

Deadeye sits down to a card game with Riverboat Charlie, explains he drives a stage coach with no wheels. “What holds it up?” “Bandits!” Deadeye leaves to get some money from the bank. An explosion is heard, and he comes in with a bag of bank money. “It takes time to fill out those bank slips”. He ends up in a duel with Riverboat Charlie, kills him, and points him towards the cemetery!

Songs

Horst Jankowski performs his hit tune “A Walk in the Black Forest” and Irving Berlin’s “Play a Simple Melody.”

The Silent Spot – blind date

Red has a blind date Unknown to him, she has a twin sister. He strikes out with the 1st sister, but impresses the second. Not knowing, of course, that there are two women, so he’s understandable confused! And the one sister leaves, for the other to reappear … Finally, the two girls come out at the same time and fight! One likes Red, and the other wants to throw him out. It ends with a pillow fight between the two, while Red sneaks out.