The Fastest Crumb in the West

Sheriff Deadeye about to drink Running Fever's bravery potion in "The Fastest Crumb in the West"

The Fastest Crumb in the West – The Red Skelton Hour, with Bobby Darin, season 15, originally aired September 21, 1965

In The Fastest Crumb in the West, Sheriff Deadeye (Red Skelton) is despised by the town for being a coward. So, he seeks out the help of a Native American medicine man (Bobby Darin) to become brave …. Which works only too well!

Monologue | Fastest Crumb in the West | On Stage | The Silent Spot

Monologue

  • Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the seagulls. ” I’m getting married right away. I gotta get married, or that Navy’s gonna draft me into the Pigeon Carrier Corps.” She says, “You’re a seagull, not a pigeon!” He says, “Well, I could be an undercover agent.” So they fly to Capistrano, see, they fly into the little chapel and the old wise owl says, “Well, look what the wind blew in.” He says, “It ain’t the wind these days, buddy, it’s the draft!”
  • Dean Martin and I we went on a trip together. We went to the Grand Canyon. He tried to fill it with beer cans!

Freeway jokes

  • The freeways are so crowded now. I remember, when I was younger, we had “lovers lanes”. Remember those? Maybe that’s why the freeways are so crowded now!
  • You never have fun on the freeway. By the time you get anywhere, you’re too tired to get anywhere!
  • I remember one time, I said to a girl. “Let’s pause and look at the moon.” She says, “We’ll look at the moon, you keep your paws to yourself!”
  • I was stuck in a traffic jam, barely moving. Next to me was a guy, walking. When I’d speed up a little, he’d start running. When I slowed down, he slowed down. Eventually, I asked him what he’s doing. He replied, “I’m Siphoning gas, I don’t want the hose to break!”

Driving jokes

  • The other day I saw a lady riding a Mustang – sidesaddle.
  • I saw a lady making a lot of crazy hand signals. Then I realized, she wasn’t making signals – she was applying underarm deodorant!
  • I shouldn’t make fun of woman drivers, though. Without them, a lot of men wouldn’t go to church!
  • I had an electric car, it would only go three or four blocks. That’s as far as the cord could reach!
  • A kid drives his great big car into the gas station, and he tells the attendant: “Fill ‘er up! One gallon.” The attendant replies, “What’re you trying to do, buddy, wean it?”
  • With this little car, you go 70 miles an hour, and it hands you a rabbit’s foot. You go 80 miles an hour, it would call Dr. Kildare. 90 miles an hour, and Saint Christopher got out! And at 100 miles an hour, and the windshield turned into stained glass window, and you heard “Nearer my God to Thee”!
  • This actually happened to me, my car died. This was at the studio, back in radio days. I’m trying to start the car, and the guy’s honking his horn, and honking his horn. Eventually, I get out, walk back to him and say: “You try to start the car, and I’ll honk the horn for a while, okay?”

Red does a pantomime of a man who’s car stalls on the road. Very funny.

The Fastest Crumb in the West – Act I

Sheriff Deadeye beaten up by a little old lady in "The Fastest Crumb in the West"
The Arizona Kid’s grandmother beats up the
yellow-bellied Sheriff Deadeye

The townspeople are holding a funeral for “the first sheriff in the West to die of fright” — Sheriff Deadeye! However, Deadeye’s not really dead. He’s faking his own death, to throw a would-be killer, The Arizona Kid, off his trail. Everyone ridicules him for being a coward. The Arizona Kid’s grandmother shows up to beat up the cowardly Deadeye. “I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life!” “How about a foot?” “Okay!” and so see kicks him. Humiliated, he’s determined to do something about it!

The Fastest Crumb in the West – Act II

Bobby Darin as medicine man Running Fever, taking the temperature of four of his tribe members - at once! in "The Fastest Crumb in the West"
Sheriff Deadeye about to drink Running Fever's bravery potion in "The Fastest Crumb in the West"

The scene switches to an American Indian tribe, where medicine man Running Fever (Bobby Darin) is taking care of various ill members of the tribe. “The next time you bite the dust, don’t swallow it.” And then, Sheriff Deadeye turns up. He needs help to become brave … And Running Fever has him help make up a hideous concoction. A “brave” potion. Will it work?

The Fastest Crumb in the West – Act III

Sheriff Deadeye (Red Skelton) and medicine man Running Fever (Bobby Darin) in town

Soon, Sheriff Deadeye is feeling brave, and heads back to town. In a funny bit, he proves that he’s not afraid of his own shadow anymore. He’s standing up to everyone, and fining everyone. Including medicine man Running Fever!

The final shootout between Sheriff Deadeye and Running Fever -- after the brave potion has worn off!

Soon, there’s going to be a shootout in the street between himself and Running Fever! “I’m gonna fill you so full of holes, you’ll have to find your navel through memory!” Of course, Running Fever has made sure it’s after noon …. When the brave potion has worn off! Running Fever lets Deadeye shoot first …. Unfortunately for the townspeople!

On Stage Red Skelton and Bobby Darrin

Red Skelton challenges Bobby Darin to a finger-snapping contest. With help from Red’s sound board! So, they bet $50 on snapping their fingers while wearing gloves. So, Bobby gives Red a baseball glove!

The Silent Spot

Chanin Hale coming on board rick yachtsman Red's yacht
Seaman Ross Ford keeps making time with the lovely Chanin Hale every time Red's back is turned

In the Silent Spot, Red plays a wealthy yachtsman, who, while entertaining girlfriend Chanin Hale, constantly falls overboard. And, his seaman keeps romancing Chanin Hale, every time Red’s back is turned. And finally, she has to make a choice …

Trivia

Bobby Darin sings ‘That Funny Feeling‘, then joins Jackie and Gayle for ‘Sunday in New York‘; on their own, Jackie and Gayle perform ‘Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows‘.

Cast of characters

  • Red Skelton … Self – Host / Sheriff Deadeye
  • Gayle Caldwell … Self – Guest Vocalist (as Jackie and Gayle)
  • Bobby Darin … (State Fair) Indian Medicine Man Running Fever
  • Ross Ford (Project Moon Base) … Yacht Crew Member — Silent Spot
  • Chanin Hale … Yachtsman’s Girlfriend / Silent Spot
  • Ray Kellogg … Bartender in Fastest Crumb in the West
  • Jackie Miller … Self – Guest Vocalist (as Jackie and Gayle)
  • Joan Swift (Brainstorm) … Indian Maiden