The Fastest Cuspidor in the West – The Red Skelton Hour, with Robert Goulet, season 16, originally aired December 13, 1966
The Fastest Cuspidor in the West – Sheriff Deadeye auditions for a role in a Western film. But the role goes to Nathan Nobody?
Monologue
Christmas
- You know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping. Those department stores, I’ll tell ya, I love to watch the little kids talk to Santy Claus, you know. And everybody’s got the Christmas spirit, you know. Pedestrians, you get hit by a car, they don’t run over you, you know. They say, “Merry Christmas”, and then go on!
- I saw a guy up on the freeway have an accident, and the ambulance came and the doctor jumped out, and he looked at the guy and said, “You’ve got a broken leg. You want that wrapped as a gift?”
- You know, the Christmas spirit really fills your heart, but it really empties your pocketbook!
Santa Claus
- A little kid talking to Santa Claus: “Boy, Santy Claus, you sure got a good sense of humor! Last year I said to you, I want something I can pet, something that I can share with all the kids in the neighborhood, something that will crawl all over me that I can call ‘Spot’. And you did it! I got chicken pox.”
- To all the little kids in the audience: You had better always believe in Santy Claus. Because a strange thing happens if you ever stop believing in Santy Claus. When Christmas comes, instead of dolls, games, and toys, you start finding under the tree — socks, shirts, and underwear.
- Two more kids are talking. One of the kids says, “I just wrote a letter to Santy Claus. I think I’m going to have a pretty lousy Christmas, because all I can spell is Rat, Cat, Hat, and Bat.” The other kid says, “Well, all I know about that old bloodshot blimp is he brings you things according to how good you have been.” The other kid says, “Really? Boy, I got a feeling all I’m gonna find in my socking this year is my foot!”
Red ends with a pantomime about a man making egg nog, and his cat.
The Fastest Cuspidor in the West Act I
The first Western movie is being filmed in town, and Sheriff Deadeye (Red Skelton) is determined to get a part. Despite his chronic overacting, and the director (Stanley Adams) saying no. A beautiful dance hall girl (Beverly Powers) gets a part, but not Deadeye. The director’s looking for a comedy friend actor – someone with thick glasses and goofy hair. Right on cue, Nathan Nothing (Robert Goulet) walks in and gets the part!
The Fastest Cuspidor in the West Act II
While Deadeye is still trying to convince the director to cast him as the leading man … “I need someone tall, dark and handsome.” “I’m tall, and in the dark I’m handsome.” Nathan Nobody is trying to sell women’s lingerie. “I’m in women’s undergarments.” “Well, keep your coat buttoned up, and nobody will know!” After insulting a pair of Nathan’s potential customers, Deadeye has an idea …. A corset!
The perfect thing to make him look slimmer. He tries it on, and thinks the director is raving about him as the perfect leading man. But, Nathan has taken off his glasses and wig, and he’s offered the contract. But, he offers to make Deadeye his agent.
The Fastest Cuspidor in the West Act III
Although appropriately handsome, Nathan Nothing has no acting experience. He’s driving his director to distraction. To make matters worse, his agent, Deadeye, is trying to make time with a pretty Indian maiden, promising to get her into pictures. “How?” “We’ll think of something.”
Deadeye picks the wrong time to pull out his guns and insist on being the leading man in the movie …. Shortly after, real Indians show up, displeased with how he’s treated the Chief’s daughter! At first, Deadeye thinks it’s the actors that he’s hired, but Nathan Nobody explains the situation. And, gives him a way out — duck!
Classic Sketch
- Quiz the Candidate with San Fernando Red
On Stage
Red Skelton and Robert Goulet do a short bit about art collecting. Red “gives” him a painting, as well as one of his albums — and asks for $500 dollars. Robert Goulet responds that collecting’s a wonderful hobby that Red should try. “Where’s my $500?” “That’s the first thing you should try to collect!” as he walks off stage.
The Silent Spot – “Tis the Season to be Jolly
Red mimes a curmudgeonly, child-hating old salesman who is transferred to the toy department during the Christmas rush.
Pops is informed by the store manager (Stanley Adams) that he HAS to work in the toy department at Christmastime 
Pops works at a department store – he doesn’t like kids, but he’s forced to work in the toy department at Christmastime 
Then, Pops is bitten by a child! 
Pops is forced to work as a department store Santa as store manager Stanley Adams looks on 
As Santa, Pops has kids sit on his lap – one bites him! And he quits! 
… until he looks back at a sad little girl … 
Pops as the reluctant Santa has a change of heart
Music
Robert Goulet sings, ‘Try to Remember‘ and ‘Moment of Truth.’
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Sheriff Deadeye / Dept. Store Salesman-Silent Spot
- Stanley Adams (Lilies of the Field) … A.C. the Movie Director / Dept. Store Manager-Silent Spot
- Patrick Campbell … D.C. the Camera Operator
- Bob Duggan … Bartender
- Robert Goulet (Gay Purr-ee, Beetlejuice) … Nathan Nothing
- Ida Mae McKenzie … Lingerie Customer
- Beverly Powers (The Comedy of Terrors) … Dancehall Gal
- Ned Romero … Indian Chief