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London jokes by Red Skelton

London jokes by Red Skelton

When Red Skelton was performing for the Royal Family in England in A Royal Command Performance, he made a few good-natured jokes about the United Kingdom.


  • It’s nice to be back in London again. I’m actually here by popular demand. I was here in 1949.
  • But it’s a beautiful city if you ever get it finished. I mean … When I first came down the main part of town, I said, “Were there any survivors?” I think the national bird must be the crane. There’s one on every building in town, you know.
  • I flew to London. We came over on that Concord. That’s something else, you know. It affects your ears, you know. When you land, they give you chewing gum. I’ll never do that again. Took me three days to to get that stuff out of my ears, you know.
  • We’re flying 35,000 feet in the air, and they started serving drinks right down the aisle. I said to the little priest next to me, He says, “Oh, no, too close to the main office.”
  • And I got in trouble going through customers. This fella says, “You have anything to declare?” I says, “Nothin’.” He says, “What do you have under your arm?” I said, “Hair. What do you got, feathers?”


  • You know, when you come from Ireland, they won’t let you bring Irish whiskey in, see. I wanted a little bottle as a souvenir. So they were going through and he says, “What’s in the bottle?” I says, “Holy water.” He takes off the cork, he smells it, and he says, “Irish whiskey.” I said, “Good heavens, another miracle!” (source: A Royal Command Performance)