Restaurant jokes by Red Skelton – jokes about the new commissary, the food served, how tough his steak was, etc.
Commissary
- We’ve opened our new commissary here. You know how they have at these big premieres, they have searchlights and stuff? Well, at this place they had two guys with matches lighting air wicks!
- We used to have a smelly old lunch wagon outside, but no more. Now we’ve got a smelly old lunch wagon inside!
- It’s a very reasonable place to each, you can eat dirt cheap.
- I walked in there this afternoon, and the waitress asks, “What are we going to have? I’ve got stewed kidneys, boiled tongue, and calves brains.” I said, “I’ll have a cup of coffee, and you’d better see a doctor.”
- The waitress put a plate in front of me. I said, “That thing’s wet.” She said, “That’s your soup.” I said, “I can’t eat that.” She says, “I’ll bring you another bowl.” She brought another, and I said, “I can’t eat that.” She said, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I don’t have a spoon.”
Steak
- And I ordered a rare steak out there. And they brought me back a steak, I’m telling you, the cow could’ve set on a heating pad and it would’ve been done more.
- This was the toughest steak I’ve ever seen in my life. Either that or I had a tender knife, see. I said to the waitress, “This is not fit for a pig.” She says, “I’ll bring you one that is.”
- Finally I said, “I can’t eat this steak! Take it back to the kitchen and shove it down the chef’s throat!” So she took it to the kitchen and brought it right back. I says, “Did you shove it down the chef’s throat?” She says, “I’m sorry, there’s an order of lamb chops ahead of you.”
- I says, “Well, get the chef out here. Even this gravy’s tough!” The chef says, “Well, I can’t take it back, you’ve bent it all out of shape!” He says, “I don’t know what’s wrong with it, the boys in the carpenter shop loved their steak.” I says, “Yeah, they got tools to work with.”
- And the waitress says, “We’ll make up for it. We’ll bring you something else. Would you like some turkey?” I says, “Fine.” She says, “What would you like?” I says, “Some meat if I could get it!”
- What a racket they’ve got out there! You order caviar, they give you tapioca with dark glasses! (source: Better Dead than Wed)