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Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Unless You’re a Banana

Phyllis Diller, San Fernando Red, Elaine Joyce in "Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Unless You're a Banana"

In Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Unless You’re a Banana, can San Fernando Red make Phyllis Diller beautiful, before she can call the police?

Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Unless You’re a BananaThe Red Skelton Hour season 18

Monologue

  • Did you hear that Elizabeth Taylor just bought a fur coat for Richard Burton? Great big, double-breasted fur coat. Now Richard Burton needs something to keep him warm like the New York Jets needs Don Knotts.
  • I’m dressed to kill, and I don’t care who does it.
  • [Talking about his new suit] It’s a seersucker. I’m the sucker who bought it at Sears! It looks like something Sears made while Roebucks had his back turned!
  • I’ve got the suit I got married in, and it’s still good. It’s got one little rust stain on the back where Little Red’s father held the gun.
  • Women’s fashions are changing all the time, but the design’s the same. They’ll put on an evening gown, and never go out. Or wear on a cocktail dress, and never take a drink. Put on a bathing suit, and never go near the water. Boy, when they put on a wedding dress …. they mean business!
  • Mini skirts have made men more polite. Did you ever see a man get on a bus ahead of one? And the sororities aren’t going to have sorority pins anymore. There’s nothing to pin ’em on!
  • The other night, my wife Little Red says, “Look at that mini skirt that girl has on! Look at that mini skirt!” Well, I tried, but the guy had his hand around her waist.

Phyllis Diller jokes

  • Phyllis’ clothes are made out of odds and ends. And what’s odd is where they end!
  • I ask her to come to the show, she says she’ll be there with bells on. I says, it’s raining, it’s gonna be drafty, you better put more that that on.
  • She wore her wedding veil, and got arrested for concealing a deadly weapon.
  • Her wedding dress was made out of net, and from the back it looked like she was trolling for herring. And from the from she looked like she caught ’em!
  • This afternoon she came in wearing a pair of slacks, she looked like a kink in a fire hose!

Red ends with a pantomime of a man going into a store to buy a fake beard and mustache.

Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Unless You’re a Banana – Act I

On the run fro the law, San Fernando Red runs across an exercise farm for fat women. After the typical insults, he decides to bilk the wealthy BoBo Van Beacon (Phyllis Diller). He tells her that his secret “fountain of youth” formula is missing only one ingredient. Extract of money! She suggests that they seal it with a kiss. So, Red kisses the lovely lady running the exercise group!

“I don’t want to be beautiful when I’m old and wrinkled … I want to be beautiful while I’m young and wrinkled!”

Phullis Diller

Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Unless You’re a Banana – Act II

BoBo Van Beacon has set up a lab in her playroom, for San Fernando to work on for his ‘youth cream’. She’s giving him a 24-hour deadline to come up with a line of cosmetics, or she’s calling the bunko squad. “The bunko squad? What do they do?” “Who cares, we’ll have some men around.”

San Francisco, being a con man at heart, he uses the mirror gag to try & fool Bobo into thinking that his beauty treatment worked! It’s a funny bit, but she sees through it (pardon the pun) and goes to call the police! To get rid of the evidence, San Fernando Red throws his beauty cream out the door — where it hits one of his guinea pigs, turning her into a Phyllis Diller lookalike! Bobo: “She’s gorgeous!” So, they celebrate by drinking it — San Fernando gets Phyllis Diller’s hair, and she gets his mustache! Ending the sketch.

The Musician – The Olio Spot

The Musician is a very funny, mostly silent routine, where Red Skelton is “The Musician”, entertaining the audience one musical instrument at a time. There’s a lot of clown comedy, including:

  • Looking through the bookshelf, using his opera cape and hat to make it look like he’s elongating his body
  • Since the piano’s too far away, moving the piano, not the bench
  • Going to play the bells – Silent Night as heard 40 miles away – bells with no clappers
  • Playing the bass drum, which is filled with a white liquid!
  • The Musician sketch ending with a pie in the face, courtesy of the orchestra leader

Silent Spot

In the Silent Spot, Red plays an absent-minded professor. Which is a hilarious bit, where he’s so absent minded that he hangs up his pants instead of his coat, puts on his wife’s negligee instead of his evening jacket, and puts out his wife while taking the cat to the bedroom!

Songs

  • Grace Markay sings ‘Maybe This Time‘.
  • She then joins the Tom Hansen Dancers in the production number, a Gay 90s ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.’
  • The Dancers also interpret Dave Brubeck’s ‘Take Five.’

Cast of characters

  • Red Skelton … Self – Host / San Fernando Red / Husband-Silent Spot
  • The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
  • David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
  • Phyllis Diller … Self / BoBo Van Beacon
  • Kay Elliot … Wife — Silent Spot
  • Art Gilmore … Self – Announcer
  • Elaine Joyce (How to Frame a Figg) … Ruby
  • Brad Logan … Police Officer
  • Grace Markay … Guest Vocalist
  • Peggy Rea (The Waltons) … Chubby Woman #1
  • Gilchrist Stuart (The Sound of Music) … Butler
  • Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
  • Dorothy Whistler … Self – Roses Presenter
  • Mary Foran … Chubby Woman #2 (uncredited)
  • Georgia Skelton … Self (uncredited)