Climb Upon My Knee, Dummy Boy – The Red Skelton Show, with Vincent Price and Dionne Warwick, season 17, originally aired November 14, 1967
In Climb Upon My Knee, Dummy Boy, Dr. Flygrabber (Vincent Price) wants to use Clem Kadiddlehopper‘s giant firefly to save the species! So it’s off to Bali-Bali!
- Red tells a flurry of Thanksgiving jokes
- Red concludes with a very funny pantomime of people who promise themselves that they aren’t going to overeat at Thanksgiving this year.
Climb Upon My Knee, Dummy Boy, Act I
Climb Upon My Knee, Dummy Boy begins with Pa Kadiddlehopper talking with a neighbor — trying to trade Clem away. Clem bursts into the scene, with a wheel barrow full of eggs — from one hen! Soon, the neighbor is chased away, but the odd scientist Dr. Flygrabber appears. He sees the gigantic firefly that Clem has as part of his “zoo”. The doctor wants to mate “her” with another giant firefly, and save the species. So, he catches Clem in his butterfly net and they’re off to Bali-Bali!
Climb Upon My Knee, Dummy Boy, Act II
Off to Bali-Bali, where quickly one of their native workers is shrunk to midget size. Then, they try using Dr. Flygrabber’s mating call horns — property of Zsa Zsa Gabor. After accidentally calling two fat people, they succeed in calling a male giant firefly, and the two love-flies fly off …. At which point, a tribe of mad warrior maidens arrive! One tries to get Clem to kiss her …. Which leads to Clem & Dr. Flygrabber being sentenced to 1,000 deaths!
Thankfully, the giant fireflies return and burn through the ropes freeing them. Finally, the midget worker falls into a mysterious pool, growing to normal size. The secret of the giant fireflies! They must drink from the pool! So, Clem decides to soak his feet in it!
Red Skelton and Vincent Price on stage
Red: Are you getting thinner? You better have your head reupholstered, ’cause all the stuffing’s coming out.
[teasing Vincent about his “horror” persona]
Red: You do live a nice, normal life. By the way, how’s your butler — the octopus?
Vincent: As a matter of fact, he’s been a little bit upset. He’s been that way ever since he ate the cook. I go to the blood bank. I go every singe day, and I give two quarts a week.
Red: Well, don’t that make you kind of weak?
Vincent: Well, no, no, because it isn’t my blood, you see.
Red: You can see he’s a normal fellow, folks.
Vincent: I’m really going to miss that cook of ours. For a chimpanzee, she was a marvelous cook.
Red: She gave me a little heartburn too, you know. You don’t have parties anymore. What happened? Don’t you like company?
Vincent: No, we used to love having people drop in. But … 150 feet is quite a drop. And besides, there’s no room for them anymore. The freezer is full.
One Minute Dramas
- Two Monsters. Red and Vincent walk on from opposite ends of the stage, pretending to be monsters. “Red!” “Vince! Why didn’t you tell me it was you? I almost slayed ya!” They walk off arm in arm.
- The Nasty Cop. Police officer Red is writing up a ticket for Vincent Price in his sports car. There’s a yellow fire hydrant in front of the car. Vincent protests that he didn’t see it, but Red writes him the ticket anyway. After Vincent drives off, Red sees a Rolls Royce down the street. So, he picks up the fire hydrant and walks that way!
- The Holdup. Vincent is waiting at a bus stop. Red, clothed like a thief (but no mask) comes up to him. Red puts his hand in his suit pocket, as though he has a gun, and says, “Reach for the sky!” Vincent puts both hands up, and from the pocket Red pulls out …. A can of deodorant! Which he sprays liberally under Vincent’s arm pits.
- The Chicken Order. Businessman Red, working at his desk, orders two orders of chicken from “Chicken Delirious” to be delivered right away. He asks for them to be delivered in a hurry, then complains to the audience that they’re never in a hurry. He hears a “cheep”, lifts up the hollow prop telephone, and reveals … two baby chicks!
- Cutting the Ribbon. Businessman Red has invited long-winded mayor Vincent to the ribbon cutting ceremony for his new building. The props are two columns, connected by a yellow ribbon with a bow. When Vincent cuts the ribbon …. The building collapses!
- Musical guest Dionne Warwick solos with “I Say a Little Prayer“.
- Then she joins the Tom Hansen Dancers with “He Loves Me“.
- The Alan Copeland Singers in “I Dig Rock ‘n’ Roll Music.”
The Silent Spot – Thanksgiving Turkey
Red pantomimes a witty but nervous gobbler who begins to suspect that his farmer owner is up to no good on Thanksgiving Eve. He has to try to woo a female turkey, avoid getting mauled by the dog, and not become the main course for Thanksgiving! It’s going to be a busy day …
As the farmer comes out and starts sharpening his axe, “Mac the Knife” is heard in the background …. Despite the lady turkey having spurned his advances, Red tries to sacrifice himself to save her. But … the farmer wants female turkey, apparently. Trying to hide under the porch, Red finds a little skunk … Who sprays him! And then, nobody wants to be near him! Not even the skunk …
- Red Skelton – Host, himself, Clem Kadiddlehopper
- The Alan Copeland Singers – themselves
- Jan Arvan – Pa Kadiddlehopper
- David Rose and His Orchestra
- Kathy Gale – Female Turkey (Silent Spot)
- Art Gilmore – Announcer
- Jason Johnson – The Kaddiddlehopper’s Neighhor / Farmer (Silent Spot)
- Beverly Powers (The Comedy of Terrors) – One Minute Drama Card Girl
- Vincent Price (The Last Man on Earth) – Dr. Flygrabber, self
- Dionne Warwick – self
- The title is a parody of the Al Jolson song, “Climb Upon my Knees, Sonny Boy“
- Red comments on the fact that Vincent Price may well be his most frequent guest,