Deadeye and the Gunslinger – The Red Skelton Show, season 11 – with Don Knotts
Deadeye and the Gunslinger is a parody of the TV Western Paladin. Don Knotts appears as Mr. Pallid — a man hired by the town to solve the “mysterious” thefts. Thefts that are being performed by the dishonest Sheriff Deadeye!
- Tonight our show is about violence! Murder! Corruption! … Its a story of a boy and his dog.
- Now this is an adult Western we’re doing tonight. You know what an adult Western is, that means the plot is over 21 years old.
- You can always tell a Texan! Not much, but you can tell ’em.
- They’ve got it, boy. If you’ve never been down there you should go, because you name it, they got it. You name it, they don’t got it, well you didn’t need it any how!
- They got miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles.
- A big Texan walks into the dentist and the dentist says, “Your teeth are perfect.” He says, “Drill anyhow, I’m feeling lucky.”
- And everything’s big. Like in Houston, they’ve got one hotel that is so big, that from your bedroom to your bathroom they got no parking signs!
- While I was down in Texas, I went by one of those big supermarkets, and they had nothing but watermelons across the front. Biggest watermelons I’ve ever seen in my life. I said, “Oh boy, watch me have some fun.” So I said, “I’ll get in some of that California bragging, see.” So I walk in and I says, “Would you mind waiting on me?” He says, “I’d be mighty proud to, sir. I was mighty proud, hot dog would I be proud!” That’s before he spit on me. They’re very hospitable down there. He says, “Now what is it you want?” I said, “Could I have a couple of them California cucumbers?” You ready for the answer? He says, “Oh, them’s not California cucumbers, them’s Texas peas.”
Deadeye and the Gunslinger Act I
Deadeye and the Gunslinger begins with Sheriff Deadeye coming into the saloon.
Bartender: What’ll you have, Deadeye?
Deadeye: Give me a martini, but instead of an olive, put in a rattlesnake’s eye.
Bartender: A rattlesnake’s eye?
Deadeye: Yeah, when I say, “Here’s looking at you,” I want something that looks back.
After some clowning around with his drink, Deadeye talks to the lovely Kate, who runs the saloon. She’s worried because it’s payday. Every payday at twelve o’clock noon, the saloon gets robbed. Once Deadeye realizes it’s almost noon, he dashes out — he’s late! And it turns out that the crooked Deadeye is the thief! He’s pretending there’s a gang of bandits outside with guns trained on the saloon. A funny bit of prop comedy, by the way. And he goes back in, to gather all of the money from the patrons — for the bandits, of course.
Kate: Wait a minute, why are you gathering all this loot? I mean, why don’t the bandits come in and get it themselves?
Deadeye: Why, they’re too young to enter a saloon. You don’t want to lose your liquor license, do ya?
Introducing Mr. Pallid
After clowning around with Kate, Deadeye rushes out to give the money to “the bandits”. He pretends to shoot at them as they ride off. But Kate decides that he needs some help to deal with these robberies …
The scene shifts to San Francisco, where Kate has wired “Mr. Pallid”. Don Knotts does a hilarious spoof of Paladin, complete with business card — “Have cough, Must travel”.
Deadeye and the Gunslinger Act II
Back at the saloon, Deadeye shows up, with some prop comedy about “fooling” the Indians. After Kate pulls an arrow out of his back, Mr. Pallid arrives! Where’s the sheriff? Over there. He walks over to Kate, tells her, “I’m going to like doing business with you, Sheriff” and kissing her! Deadeye complains that he’s the Sheriff! So Mr. Pallid tries kissing him! Soon, identities are sorted out, and Mr. Pallid is laying a “clever trap” for the “unknown” crooks. He goes to his room …
Deadeye comes to visit Pallid in his bedroom. After some clowning around, he tells Deadeye that he’s keeping all of his money, unguarded, in his top dresser drawer. He then lays down and …. Asks Deadeye to tell him a bedtime story? Which Deadeye does, and Pallid falls asleep in a matter of seconds.
In the morning …
In the morning, Pallid wakes up …. Only to find out that everything has been stolen from his room! Even his bed! Even his underwear! So he goes downstairs, to tell Kate and Deadeye. He also mentions that the crooks failed to steal his diamond ring! Deadeye, flustered, makes an excuse and leaves. Shockingly, the “bandits” have returned, and want Pallid’s ring. But Mr. Pallid quickly realizes what’s going on, and he arrests Deadeye!
Mr. Pallid: You’re going to jail for the rest of your life.
Deadeye: Not the rest of my life!
Mr. Pallid: Don’t worry, it’s not as long as it seems. We’re hanging you in the morning.
It ends with a shootout, as Pallid gives Deadeye a last chance. Back to back, walk ten paces and fire. “Could you make it five? We’re running a little long.” So, back to back, Pallid walks one way, and Deadeye stays directly behind him! They shoot and fire at point-blank range. “We missed!” They shake hands, and drop to the floor from their wounds, ending the episode.
Kate: [The shapely Kate takes money from her garter belt to give to the “bandits”] That’s my last ten dollars. It’ll leave me flat.
Deadeye: [looks as Kate’s figure] Wanna take a little bet on that?
Mr. Pallid: [pulling back the bedspread on his bed] That’s what I like about these westerns … a mighty fine spread.
Kate: [after everything has been stolen from his room] Pallid, do you have any idea who would do a thing like that to you?
Mr. Pallid: Well, as an experienced scientific crime investigator, I think we can rule out termites.
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Sheriff Deadeye
- Don Knotts (The Andy Griffith Show, The Incredible Mr. Limpet) … Mr. Pallid
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Announcer
- Vici Raaf (The Yellow Canary) … Kate, the saloon girl. She wires to San Francisco for Mr. Pallid.
- Michael Ross (Attack of the 50 Foot Woman) … Bartender