He Who Steals My Robot Steals Trash – The Red Skelton Hour, season 18, with Vincent Price, Boris Karloff – originally aired September 24, 1968
In He Who Steals My Robot Steals Trash, Red appears with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, and Ed Sullivan. Red plays country bumpkin Clem Kadiddlehopper. He gets mixed up in the work of mad scientists — guess who?
Monologue | He Who Steals My Robot Steals Trash | The Reunion | The Silent Spot | Songs | Cast
Monologue
- This past week, Ed Sullivan and David Rose and myself all went up to San Francisco. Now we didn’t fly, we went by train, see, we thought it would be all by ourselves but there was a convention on the train. There was about 300 bald-headed men. Now you figure out that’s kind of frightening. You walk into a care, and you see there it looked like a mass diaper change.
- Well anyhow, there was this one little old lady. We had berths on the train, but this little old lady, we saw her sitting there. And we felt sorry so I said to her, “You can have my place to sleep tonight”. So I sent a telegram to my wife, and when I got home, here’s what the telegram says: Very tired, up all night, gave birth to an old lady.
School Days
- Hey, this is a wonderful time of the year, though. 60 million kids start back to school, and 20 million mothers start living again.
- I didn’t have time for public school you know, not too much in class. I just sat there for six hours a day. At the end of the day, I was dumb at one end and numb at the other.
- I never forgot the first day of school, the teacher confused me. She says three and three is six, four and two is six, five and one is six. I got up and started out. She says, where are you going? I said go home and make up your mind. I’ll come back.
- School always was exciting, though. The first day I was in school I went there to see some guy was yelling, “Doctor, doctor, get a doctor”. I asked the teacher was wrong, she said one of the kids swallowed a quarter. I said, forget the doctor, call the California tax department. They get money out of anybody!
- I remember one day, the teacher says to me, “Which is the heaviest, a pound of feathers or a pound of lead?” I says, a pound of lead. She says they’re both he same. I said they are? You stand under a balcony, let me drop a pound of feathers …
- Another time the teacher holds up a picture, she says, “What is this”? It was a picture of a deer. The kid says, “I don’t know”. She says, “What does your mother call your father?” “That’s a louse?!?”
- I asked the teacher one day, “Why do all fairly tales begin with, ‘once upon a time’?” She says, “They don’t. Sometimes they begin with, ‘If I am elected’ …”
Gertrude and Heathcliffe
- The two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliffe. She says, “Did you hear what happened? A steamroller ran over Farmer Jones’ cat. No matter what he did, he just stood there with a long puss.”
He Who Steals My Robot Steals Trash
Act I
He Who Steals My Robot Steals Trash begins with Clem Kadiddlehopper having irritated some honey bees. After irritating his father (Jan Arvan), Clem is tasked with cleaning up the barn. Pa: “Clem, you are a moron.” Clem: “I’ve never been to Salt Lake City in my life!” Pa Kadiddlehopper is renting it out to a father and son pair of scientists. Clem clowns around, sweeping the barn and drinking something he shouldn’t. He leaves, and the mad scientists enter — Boris Karloff and Vincent Price! They’re working on a humanoid robot, that looks suspiciously like Clem.
Boris: “There! He looks intelligent enough to run for office.” Vincent: “That’s hardly a test this year.” They exit, and Pa Kadiddlehopper drags Clem back in by his ear. Clem is supposed to clean up the barn, but being lazy, he tosses the robot out the window and lays down on the table in its’ place – to take a nap. The scientists come back, and mistakenly think that Clem is their robot. They leave, taking Clem with them to Washington. And Pa Kadiddlehopper celebrates that he’s rid of Clem!
Act II
The scientists take Clem to the Pentagon, to demonstrate their “robot” to a general. After his normal mayhem and insulting the general, Clem leaves. A rival German scientist, Herr Cut, comes in with the news that he’s perfected his robot! The mad scientists plot sabotage and exit, while the general & Herr Cut leave to find his missing robot. Clem comes back in looking for a place to hide …. And he’s joined by the missing, female robot! After she initiates a kiss with Clem, the scientists return, and realize that Clem’s human. Vincent plans to “Xerox” the female robot, and he and Clem fight over her …. Leading to them pulling her apart!
Act III
In an unusual third act, Boris Karloff and Vincent Price drive on stage in a small car made to look like a hearse. They start singing a custom version of “The Two of Us”. They’re then joined by a singing and dancing Clem Kadiddlehopper.
The Olio Spot – The Reunion
The Reunion is a Willie Lump-Lump sketch. Stumbling into a bar, Red does an extended bit poking fun at the drunken Willie. He finally gets a free drink, as does another, older, drunk there. The other drunk tells how he drinks to forget. Many years ago, he was stranded on a desert island. While there, he married an ostrich!?! They had a baby boy …. But a British ship landed, and took his son away. Willie asks some questions, ending with … “Father!” He tosses off his overcoat to reveal his ostrich tail, and hugs his long-lost father!
The Silent Spot – The Nervous Wreck
Red plays a high-strung man unhinged by the unrelenting loud noises of jet planes soaring over his home.
Songs
- In the main comedy sketch, Red joins mad scientists Boris Karloff and Vincent Price in singing, ‘The Two of Us.’
- Spanky Wilson performs ‘Alfie‘ and ‘Apartment 101.’
Cast
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / Willie Lump Lump / Gertrude and Heathcliffe
- Melanie Alexander … Robot
- Jan Arvan … Pa Kadiddlehopper / Bartender in The Reunion
- Jimmy Cross … Drunk in The Reunion
- Mary Foran … Wife in The Silent Spot
- Boris Karloff (The Mummy 1932,How the Grinch Stole Christmas) … Dr. Nelson Sr.
- James Millhollin … US Army General
- Vincent Price (The Last Man on Earth, The Raven) … Dr. Nelson Jr.
- Ed Sullivan … Ed Sullivan (joins Red on stage at the end of his monologue)