Here Comes the Bribe – The Red Skelton Show, season 15, originally aired October 26, 1965 – with Johnny Mathis
Here Comes the Bribe is an episode of The Red Skelton Show, featuring Sheriff Deadeye running for re-election … Unless guest star Johnny Mathis can stop him! It was originally aired shortly before Halloween, so the silent spot is an appropriate parody of Hansel and Gretel, as well as some Halloween jokes in Red’s opening monologue.
I’m just kidding, I don’t see a psychiatrist. A few years ago I looked around at the sane people, and I decided I’d rather be nutty! But as long as I keep making money, they won’t lock me up!
- I saw a guy wrapped up in about a thousand yards of bandages. I asked him, Are you an Egyptian Mummy? No, a California Pedestrian!
- In Hollywood, it’s easy to see who’s house it is by their pumpkin. Tall pumpkin? John Wayne’s house. Short pumpkin? Mickey Rooney’s house. Stewed pumpkin? Dean Martin!
- Red does a pantomime of a cavalier.
Here Comes the Bribe
Sheriff Deadeye’s running for re-election.
Pretty girl: How are you going to get re-elected this year, Deadeye?
Deadeye: By kissing babies and giving them lollipops! [kisses her, gives her a giant lollipop]
Pretty girl: I’m no baby!
Deadeye: [takes the lollipop back] I’ll take the kiss back later!
Townsman: [hungry] How about that roast pig?
Deadeye: What for? He can’t vote, he’s dead!
Johnny Appleworm (Johnny Mathis) appears as Deadeye’s opponent. Sings a song parody, mocking Deadeye. He entices the townsfolk to search Deadeye’s house for alleged stolen property.
Deadeye: Mayor, using my house for hanky panky! I didn’t think your hanky could still panky!
Mayor (Ernest Sarracino): Deadeye, this is my wife!
Deadeye: Insanity is no excuse!
Townsperson: Last week, someone held up the stage coach, with a mustache.
Deadeye: Can’t be me, I’d use a gun!
The townspeople are searching for stolen items in Deadeye’s house. Deadeye gets “hard water” from the sink — gold coins which he then drinks. And “clinks” as he walks. The money is finally found in the fireplace.
Mayor: That’s a bald faced lie!
Deadeye: What do you expect? I’ve got a bald face!
Deadeye: [to Johnny Appleworm] Are you a folk singer?
Johnny Appleworm: Yes.
Deadeye: Then why don’t you go home and sing to your folks?
Deadeye’s behind in the election by 3 votes. He tries to improve the jail conditions — with pretty saloon hall girls — to get the prisoners’ votes.
Deadeye: [to Johnny Appleworm] I wish that was an electric guitar. I’d plug it in and invite you to sit down on it!
Deadeye loses the election, but he’s not worried … in the recount, he’s the one counting the ballots!
Classic skit – Red in prison (Tide commercial)
Prisoner: I threw my wife’s mink coat out the window.
Red: They can’t put you in prison for that!
Prisoner: She was in it at the time!
Red: How long are you in for?
Prisoner: 500 years.
Red: You’re lucky … they could’ve given you life!
The Swan Lake Ballet
Red “helps” the ballerina (Nona Golmert). A very funny bit.
Jumping over 8 feet
Johnny Mathis and Red Skelton do a short skit about breaking the long distance jump. Jumping over “8 feet” — 8 plastic feet tied together!
The Silent Spot – The Spirit of Halloween
Red & Carol Byrne acting out the story of Hansel & Gretel, with a green-skinned witch (David Sharpe). They arrive, and after some clowning with props, they’re literally eating the with out of house and home.
Red knocks at the front door — gets a face full of water. Carol knocks – gets candy. Red again — water! They’re finally invited into the house, and walk straight into a cage. The witch begins preparing them for dinner. Red “rescues” Gretel by taking her place in the pot. He cries as the witch cuts onions, Gretel pours water on him, etc. He sneezes at the pepper. Gretel soaks him again. Witch rubs him with garlic — like soap. Gretel soaks him a third time — Red tries to get revenge by squirting her with a water bottle, but he holds it backward & squirts himself!
He “helpfully” lights the oversized dutch oven & kicks the witch inside! Red changes the menu from (pot) Roast Boy to Witch Kabob. But then it turns out that the witch hasn’t paid her gas bill, so they’re shutting off her gas! The giant Dutch Oven door opens, and a midget witch jumps out, chasing Red away through the wall, ending the skit.
- Johnny Mathis performs ‘On a Wonderful Day‘ and ‘Young and Foolish‘
- He spoofs the Lorne Greene song hit ‘Ringo‘, as wandering troubadour Johnny Appleworm singing a ballad about the checkered career of Deadeye (Red), the stupidest gun in the West.