How to Make a Salad [The Red Skelton Show]

"General" Lucille Knock to Willy Lump Lump - "I know garbage when I see it!" in "How to make a salad"

How to Make a Salad, The Red Skelton Show, season 1, originally aired February 24, 1952

In How to Make a Salad, Army cook Willy Lump Lump tries to make a salad for the troops. “I know garbage when I see it!” And Clem Kadiddlehopper hilariously explains the new game in California, Pedestrian Polo.

Monologue | Lord Beaverhead | Pedestrian Polo | How to Make a Salad

Monologue

Red opens his monologue by producing two awards to the audience and thanking the members of the press and the TV Academy for selecting the show as the best comedy and Skelton as the best comedian. He then begins joking about it …

  • Over at the Academy, it’s a funny thing. As I walked in, there were a lot of people outside, and someone yelled, “Red Skelton’s in the crowd!” They all turned and looked at me. Gee, I was so embarrassed …. I was sorry I yelled.
  • The autograph collectors, they had a cute idea. For the stars, whey would have them autograph a full sheet of paper, and for the bit players a half a sheet of paper …. You ever try to autograph a spit ball?

Little Richard’s antics

  • Little Richard this week, he came in, they wanted pet mice. “What do you want with mice?” I said. “They don’t brush their teeth, they don’t take a bath, or anything.” He says, “They don’t? Tell one of ’em to move over … they got a new buddy!”
  • They went over to Gene Fowler’s house the other day, and they raided his cuckoo clock. This is the truth, took the little cuckoo out of the clock. I says, “Why did you do that?” He says, “I didn’t mean no harm by this, you know.” He says, “I saw the cuckoo, and then I thought maybe I could get some cuckoo eggs and raise my own clocks.”

Red performs a pantomime depicting the types of people found in the crowd at a boxing match.

Lord Beaverhead

Red Skelton as BBC broadcaster Lord Beaverhead in "How to Make a Salad"

Then he makes his first appearance as BBC broadcaster Lord Beaverhead, promoting “Clivedon’s Crumpet Juice” which concludes with a surprise cameo by Junior, the Mean Widdle Kid.

  • I see where Joe Stalin is trying to find a serum to make him younger. Well, that’s not possible but if you leave it up to us, we’ll see you don’t get any older.
  • A bit of prop comedy as Lord Beaverhead calls Fort Knox. “We don’t have a Kentucky in England, you know!”
  • More prop comedy with a spring snake as the surprise in a box of the sponsor’s product.
  • Lucille Knoch has a cameo as the surprise in the extra-large package.

Skelton’s Film Scrapbook – Pedestrian Polo

Clem Kadiddlehopper explaining the rules of Pedestrian Polo

In the Skelton Film Scrapbook, Clem Kaddidlehopper presents a game called “Pedestrian Polo.” Supposedly as part of trying to sell a book about it, which the audience can purchase by phone. “We don’t have time to give you the number now. We will later on in the program. So, get your pencils and get the lead out.”

It’s a hilarious bit, as Clem explains the rules that California drivers use …. As they try to hit pedestrians that cross the street! When my children and I first saw this many years ago, we were all rolling on the floor with laughter, tears rolling down our cheeks. Yes, it’s that funny! And turns into a Tide commercial.

Skelton’s Scrapbook – How to Make a Salad

In the Skelton Scrapbook, Red appears in “How to Make a Salad“, a lengthy sketch, as clumsy Army cook Willie Lump Lump, who is ordered to prepare a meal for the General.

The mop water tastes better than the soup!

There’s a lot of prop comedy, as well as Willy’s general dislike for the officers. At one point, an officer goes to taste the soup — which is really mop water! But, it tastes better than the actual soup, so …

“A mixed green salad for 1,000 men? Let’s not get sickening about it!” But, in comes the giant container of lettuce, and Willy starts chopping, mixing, etc. the ingredients. Ingredients from the dump! And gunny sacks! Not to mention plates! And ducks that Willy shoots out of the sky!

"General" Lucille Knock to Willy Lump Lump - "I know garbage when I see it!" in "How to make a salad"
“General” Lucille Knock to Willy Lump Lump – “I know garbage when I see it!” in “How to make a salad

Then, in comes the visiting general — Lucille Knoch! And she orders the sergeant to take this mess down to the dump …. While Willy Lump Lump’s hiding in it! Willy protests, but “Oh, lay down! I know garbage when I see it!”