It Happened One Nut – The Red Skelton Hour, season 16, with Polly Bergen. Originally aired October 25, 1966
In It Happened One Nut – Clem Kaddiddlehopper attends hog-calling school, run by the lovely Polly Bergen. With a lot of slapstick!
Monologue | It Happened One Nut | On Stage | Silent Spot | Music | Jokes | Cast
- Red starts with a short skit, I’ll Take My Applause Now. It’s a funny bit, that ends with a “gotcha” moment.
- The guys in the band, they gave me a dictionary. A new dictionary, and I’ve been looking up words. Do you know what a “yeoman” is? A yeoman is a male yo!
- Do you know what a “bigamist” is? (with Italian accent) A bigamist isa bigga fog over Italy!
- You know what a “bulldozer” is? A bulldozer is a fella who falls asleep during a politician’s speech!
- I’m getting kind of upset with the elections now. The candidates, they’re always saying, “You’re a crook!” And the other one says to his opponent, “You’re an idiot!” We stand in the middle, and wonder if they’re not both right!
- Every election, they take polls, see how you’re gonna vote and stuff. You wanna louse up those computers, so we know how the election’s gonna really turn out, tell ’em just the opposite. So when they run ’em through the computers, they’ll come out wrong.
- They come up and they ask you questions, like they said to me, “What do you think off Congressman CashSnatcher?” I says, “I’ll tell you what I think of Congressman CashSnatcher! I think he’s lying, a cheat, a two-timer, he’s no good and he’s a four-flusher!” You know what they put down? “Undecided.”
- Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the two seagulls, she says, “Say, do you know why the Republicans use the elephant as their Republican Party symbol?” He says, “No, why?” She says, “Because an elephant’s the only one that can remember the last time one of ’em was in the White House!”
- The Republicans have found a way to get a Republican into the White House. Goldwater and Nixon are drawing straws to see which one will marry Linda Bird!
He ends with a pantomime of a little boy going out to play Trick or Treat.
It Happened One Nut
A couple from the city is coming to Kadiddlehopper Corners, to possibly buy the farm. Pa Kadiddlehopper makes the mistake of telling Clem Kadiddlehopper to paint everything that’s “old and falling apart”. That’s after Clem’s encounter with a skunk in Skunk Hollow! (see the Jokes section for the pun). So, Clem starts by painting Gramps! But soon, the city folks are driving there to buy the farm …. Pity that Clem didn’t put up the “Bridge is Out” sign that Pa told him to!
After helping them out of the remains of the wreck of their car, Pa offers to sell them the farm for $5,000. But he’s willing to come down to $3,00, if they’ll take Clem! Which the man is willing to do, if he can call hogs. So, Pa makes the mistake of asking Clem to call the man a hog! And nearly insults his wife as well. After, he tries using a horn to call them — With Red playing with his sound man again. So, Pa will send Clem to hog calling school at Pig University, to learn hog calling. “When you say P.U., it really means something!”
At P. U., two students are fooling around, until the teacher comes in. It’s Suzy Suey (Polly Bergen), who starts the class by demonstrating how they humanely euthanize the hogs with a mallet. As Clem walks in, and gets hit on the noggin by her backswing! As he tries to sit, a fat fellow student keeps pranking him, by putting a nail in his seat.
It’s a very slapstick bit, as Suzy keeps swatting her students with a rolled up newspaper. As the other students go out for recess, Suzy keeps Clem in to lecture him about how she’s going to turn him into a great hog caller. Which turns into a Shakespeare joke. It’s funny watching Polly Bergen to try to keep going, as Red keeps cracking her up!
Suzy rings the bell, signifying that recess is over. Clonking Clem on the head, of course! After some comedy with a pair of foreign observers, Clem insults both a Frenchman and an African Bushman. The latter’s really an excuse to do his “bone in the nose” bit. Then, teacher Suzy Suey (Polly Bergen) is going to teach him some hog calling.
Over at the piano, she’s trying to teach him the scales — with “sooey”! After some clowning around – and more newspaper swats – Clem accidentally knocks the lid of piano on his hand! Crying out “gooey” in pain, he’s overdone it! Pigs are coming from miles around, breaking through the walls and windows!
Classic Red Skelton Sketch – Corn on the Cob
A very funny bit, as Red pretends to teach people the various ways of eating corn of the cob.
Polly Bergen joins Red on stage. After some short jokes about her dog: What breed is he? Pekinese. What did he cost? I won him in a raffle – costs $5 for a Peke. I wouldn’t touch that straight line …
Then, it’s time for a riddle: What has two eyes, a head, four legs, looks like a horse, and can jump higher than the Empire State Building? It’s a wooden horse! A wooden horse can’t jump! Neither can the Empire State Building!
Silent Spot – Café Owner
In the Silent Spot, Red mimes a new café owner on the busy opening day of his establishment. He didn’t realize that the expression “a stone’s throw from everything” is literal! While doing comedy with his first customers – a fat lady and a short man – there are interruptions ranging from basketball, to golf, to … a motorboat?
Polly Bergen sings, “It’s Today“, “What the World Needs Now” and “Get Happy.”
[Clem’s wearing a barrel]
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Well, I tried to shoot a skunk …. But he shot first! I don’t know how he ever hit me, he wasn’t even facin’ my way, you know …
Old Man Gramps: Where’d it happen? Skunk Hollow?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: No, that skunk wasn’t hollow, Gramps. He is now, though!
Pa Kadiddlehopper: When it’s time to paint, use your head, will ya?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: We’ll have to! That was our last brush.
Pa Kadiddlehopper: Clem, if brains was newspaper, you couldn’t cover the bottom of a birdcage.
Suzy Suey: Clem, that’s no way to treat foreigners! Next time they have a war, they won’t invite us.
Suzy Suey: I’m going to teach you some hog calling.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: If I get good enough, I may get my own show – The Man from Oinkle!
Suzy Suey: A mother pig is called a ‘sow’. What’s a father pig called?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: A souse!
Suzy: A souse?
Clem: Anybody who’d marry a pig would have to be a souse!
Suzy Suey: Shakespeare? He didn’t write about pigs!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: How about Hamlet? Or was that Bacon?
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / Gertrude and Heathcliffe / Cafe Owner-Silent Spot
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Phil Arnold … Man in Cafe – Silent Spot
- Jan Arvan (20 Million Miles to Earth) … Paw Kadiddlehopper
- Polly Bergen … Self / Sally Suey
- David Cadiente … Bush Country Foreign Observer
- Richard Clair … French Foreign Observer
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Announcer
- Jonathan Hole … Man Buying Kadiddlehopper Farm
- Burt Mustin (The Andy Griffith Show) … Old Man Gramps
- Peggy Rea … Woman in Cafe – Silent Spot
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves