It Takes All Kinds – The Red Skelton show, live from San Francisco, with Benny Rubin, Cauliflower McPugg, Clem Kadiddlehopper, Lucille Knoch. Man on the Street interviews, Guzzler’s Tonic, and of course a Tide commercial.
It Takes All Kinds – The Red Skelton Show Season 1, originally aired May 4, 1952
Monologue
- We’re in San Francisco. it’s built on seven hills. From the air, it looks like the Andrews Sisters and a friend,
- It really is hilly here, built on seven hills. When you talk to someone, you turn your feet into the curb.
It Takes All Kinds
Benny Rubin is in San Francisco, doing “Man on the Street” interviews. First, he runs into Clem Kadiddlehopper.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I’m from Skunk Hollow.
Benny Rubin: Yes, but it’s a very strange name. Can you tell me how did you come by that name, Skunk Hollow?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Well, I don’t know, they took a skunk and hollowed him out, I guess …
Benny Rubin: Mister, I don’t know who you are, but I’m betting you’re a moron and an idiot!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Yeah, and everyone says we’ll make a wonderful pair, too.
Benny Rubin: Did you see that beautiful statue of General Fremont?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Yes, I saw that. It’s for the birds.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: When it comes to bridges, I tell ya, Kansas got the bridge like you’ve never seen before. It goes out over the Missouri River, and then turns in the middle and comes right back.
Benny Rubin: But why?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Who wants to go to Missouri?
Benny then interviews Lucille Knoch, who’s there to meet her mother — who’s on furlough!
Then Benny interviews our favorite punch drunk boxer, Cauliflower McPugg.
Benny Rubin: You’re Cauliflower McPugg,
Clem Kadiddlehopper: How did you know, how in Heaven’s name did you ever recognize me?
Benny Rubin: Why, dear sir, it’s right there on your sweatshirt.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Is that what that says? I thought it said “Tide”, I don’t know.
Benny Rubin: Have you ever had a fight here in San Francisco?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Yes, my wife is with me, yes.
Benny Rubin: Not one of those gory things, I mean a boxing match, did you fight?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I fought with my wife, yes. I’m gonna get a return bout tonight. If I win, I get to take on her mother.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I only fought James Corbett just last year.
Benny Rubin: Uh uh uh, James Corbett’s been dead 15 years.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I know, it was a draw.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Maybe you saw my last fight.
Benny Rubin: No, I missed it.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: That’s what you get for turning your head.
Benny Rubin: Was that the fight where Rocky Marciano knocked you out?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Oh no, no…
Benny Rubin: The fight with Joe Walcott where he broke your nose and your jaw?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: No, no, no …
Benny Rubin: With Harry “Kid” Matthews where he beat you to a pulp?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: No, no, no, this was the night I made a bad showing.
Chinese laundry – Tide commercial
J. Newton Numbskull and guest Kam Tong visit a Chinese laundry to pick up their clothes. Since a laundry is involved, this sketch naturally morphs into a Tide commercial.
In another Skelton Scrapbook burlesque, called “Guzzler’s Tonic”, Red recreates his famous Guzzler’s Gin lampoon from vaudeville and the movies.
He’s pretending to be the host of a television show, sponsored by Guzzler’s Tonic. A teetotaler, he has to demonstrate the product, becoming more drunk with each sip. Interspersed with this is the poetry of J. Newton Numbskull, where he recites:
- A Fly and a Flea in a Flue, by Ogden Nash
- Algy
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / Cauliflower McPugg / J. Newton Numbskull
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Lucille Knoch (Executive Suite) … Lucy Knoch – Woman on the Street (as Lucy Knoch)
- Bob LeMond … Self – Announcer (voice)
- Pat McGeehan … Self – Announcer
- Benny Rubin (The Disorderly Orderly; Income Tax Sappy) … Announcer of Man on the Street Sketch / Chinese Laundryman in Laundry Skit
- Kam Tong (Women of the Prehistoric Planet) … Customer in Chinese Laundry Skit