Jerk and the Beanstalk – The Red Skelton Hour season 12, with Don Knotts and Helen O’Connell. Originally aired May 28, 1963
Monologue | Jerk and the Beanstalk | Music | Silent Spot | Cast | Quotes
Monologue
- My wife’s brother came over to our house. He don’t usually come over, see, he wouldn’t have come over this time, but they’re repainting the pool hall.
- He’s a nice guy, but sort of a misfit. He wanted to get a job as a male nurse in a hospital, but that didn’t pan out.
- You know, my wife’s mother, I think she serves dog food. No kidding, I saw her father chasing cars. And he bit the milkman!
- I said to him, “You know what I think? I think she’s been feeding you dog food.” He said, “Well, I don’t know what she’s been feeding me, but it makes me awful healthy. Feel how cold my nose is.”
Jerk and the Beanstalk Act I
Clara Appleby orders her henpecked husband George to scrub the floors, do the dishes, iron the clothes …. At midnight, while she goes to bed! It’s a very comedic scene, as George tries to do them all at once. He wears his floor-dusting slippers, washes the dishes, drying them through his legs — And tossing them across the room, where the audience can hear the crash!
Eventually, having shined Clara’s shoes — and her mother’s Army boots — George is finally finished, and goes to bed. And a moment later, the alarm clock goes off! Clara wakes her husband, the “lazy loafer” to go to work! With the help of the husband ejector! As he toddles off half-asleep, Clara comments, “I must be slipping … I forgot to hit him goodbye.”
George Appleby: 8 hours of sleep isn’t enough.
Clara Appleby: 8 hours of sleep is plenty!
George Appleby: Not when you spread it over 14 years of marriage!
At the “Add-A-Muscle Athletic Equipment Company”, all of the workers are examples of physical perfection …. Except for George, who’s late — as normal. And the owner, who introduces the government expert on physical health, Mr. Horace Hercules — Don Knotts! “You poor, pitiful creatures!”
Jerk and the Beanstalk Act II
Horace Hercules: Why isn’t he [George Appleby] here on time?
Owner: Because he’s a kind man, and he knows my heart could never take the shock.
After more clowning around, the sleep-deprived George Appleby finally shows up. He’s so tired, he uses Horace as a coat rack! But, his boss makes it clear that George needs to let Horace build him up …. Or lose his job! After some very funny verbal humor between the two (see the quotes), they start off by running in place …
Jerk and the Beanstalk Act III
After returning from George’s 50 mile run — pushing Horatio in a wheelbarrow — Horatio decides to have George use the punching bag. After a hilarious demonstration, Horatio’s informed that his boss is in town. He wants to see all the muscles he’s put on George! Which means he’s in trouble. Until George mentions that all of the weights, etc. in the office are made of cardboard, for display only. So, they plan to fool Horatio’s boss!
But, unknown to them, the owner of the business is going to replace them all with real weights in advance of the visit! And then Horatio’s boss, Colonel Fosdick shows up, expecting to see a real improvement in George Appleby.
Music
Helen O’Connell performs, with the Tom Hansen Dancers. Pretending to film three segments of a movie, she sings ‘I Left My Heart in San Francisco‘, ‘Witchcraft‘ and ‘The Sweetest Sounds.’
Silent Spot
In the Silent Spot, Red plays a circus roustabout, cleaning up the sideshow grounds. He uses a lot of imagination, and “plays” with the various props and sheets that are left. Until he releases the gorilla!
Funny Quotes
- Don Knotts: [about George Appleby] I’ve seen more life in a glob of cold cream.
- Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): I’m here for physical fitness.
George Appleby (Red Skelton): Well, you can use all you can get, boy. I’ve seen more meat in a nickel taco. - Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): I happen to be pushing 98 pounds with my clothes on. Stripped, I way 125 pounds. Heavy goose pimples.
- Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): Appleby, you are the biggest challenge to the physical fitness program since Pierre Salinger.
- Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): Goodness, Appleby, you are a mess.
George Appleby (Red Skelton): I am a mess? Next to you, the Bay of Pigs was a luau. - Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): I don’t need you to make a fool out of me … I was appointed by Washington!
- George Appleby (Red Skelton): You know, I feel like a Republican … I keep running, but I ain’t getting anywhere!
- Muscular man: Well, George is getting stronger. This morning, he pushed the elevator button …. All by himself!
Secretary: Yeah, but he had a running start! - Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): Bob Kennedy runs 15 miles a day, thinks nothing of it.
George Appleby (Red Skelton): I don’t think much of it either! - Horace Hercules (Don Knotts): I have turned the weakest weakling in the world, and turned him into the strongest weakling in the world!
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / George Appleby
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Announcer
- Don Knotts (The Andy Griffith Show, The Incredible Mr Limpet) … Horace Hercules
- Frank Wilcox (The Ten Commandments, Beginning of the End) … Owner of the Add-A-Muscle Athletic Equipment Company, George’s boss
- Helen O’Connell (I Dood It) … Clara Appleby
- Julie Redding – one of the physical fitness employees.
- Ross Ford (Project Moonbase) … Colonel Fosdick, Horace’s superior.