Lt. Muscle, where Clem Kadiddlehopper is repeatedly beaten up by an ex-G.I. who keeps mistaking him for Lt. Muscle. But …
Monologue
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m a little out of breath – I met I met a very beautiful girl out in the hall, and the reason that I’m out of breath is I met the husband too!
- There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliffe down at the beach, and they were walking up the beach, and one of the looked down and saw a mirror. He says, “Good heavens! Good heavens! Come here, look at that! What is that?” The other seagull says, “Why, that’s me.” The first one says, “Well, thank heavens, I thought it was me!”
- They were sort of flying around and they looked down and saw a beer can that was half full, see, so they walked over to it and one seagull said, “Gertrude”, the other one says, “Yes, Heathcliffe?” — Herman ain’t with ’em this week — “Would you join me?” “Well, I don’t care if I do.” So they finish off the beer and one of them says, “Shall we fly a little bit? We’re in no condition to walk anymore!”
Red does some pantomime, demonstrating how you can tell where people are from by how they walk — New York, Tallahassee, Chicago, etc. Then a short bit about “the rules” for crossing the street in California.This segues into pantomimes about how different people cross the street.
Lt. Muscle
Clem Kadiddlehopper in “Lt. Muscle”. A very funny Season 2 sketch, where Clem is repeatedly beaten up by an ex-G.I. who keeps mistaking him for Lt. Muscle. But Clem eventually gets into Daisy June’s house, where he’s expecting to get a free dinner. But instead, he gets to help with the dishes! And then Big Jim comes to the back door …. And beats him up again! Then, to the front door …. And beats Clem up again! A fine example of the Rule of Three. Until Daisy June informs him that the bullying Lt. Muscle has been deald for a while! And then, he’s sad, lamenting “poor” Lt. Muscle, who’d give you the shirt off his back!
Inside, Clem and Daisy June are doing dishes. And it turns into a Tide commercial, of course.
George Putnam vs. Lord Beaverhead
It’s a funny battle of the broadcasters, as George Putnam, a real broadcaster, puts out news items — and Lord Beaverhead puts a comedic twist on it. It ends with Lord Beaverhead nearly starting a war between Communist China and Communist Russia!
Conclusion
At the end, Red is pulled through the curtains by his ankles …. By John Wayne! Who then playfully hits Red with paper, saying “Big Jim McLane!”
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton (Whistling in the Dark; Neptune’s Daughter) … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / British Lord Beaverhead / Gertrude and Heathcliffe
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Bob LeMond … Announcer
- Shirley Mitchell (I Love Lucy) … Daisy June – Muscles Sketch
- George Putnam … Self – Beaverhead Sketch
- Michael Ross (Attack of the 50 Foot Woman; D.O.A.) … Big Jim McLane – Muscles Skit
- John Wayne (Rio Bravo; McLintock!) … Self (uncredited)
Trivia
- Big Jim McLane was also the name of a John Wayne film at the time.