Monotony on the Bounty, The Red Skelton Hour, season 15, originally aired December 28, 1965
In Monotony On The Bounty, con artist San Fernando Red (Red Skelton) and his cohort Ruby operate the Fly-By-Night Travel Agency. Their client is Harry Cleancut (Cesar Romero), a heartthrob trying to escape from his fans.
Monologue | Monotony on the Bounty | Classic Sketch | On Stage | Silent Spot
Opening monologue
- I’ve invented a new drink for New Year’s Eve – garlic and soda! It’s for people who don’t like to drink but want to wake up stinkin’!
- People ask me what I’m doin’ for New Years. I answer, Nothin’! It comes in all on its own!
- The little boy is watching his parents the day after New Years. His friend asks, what are they doin’? They’re celebratin’ St. Patrick’s Day! How can you tell? They is turnin’ green!
- Two drunks are sitting at a bar. One turns to the other and says, once I’m done with this drink, I’m going home to the meanest, nastiest, ugliest woman in the world! The other drunk punches him! The first drunk gets up, and asks, what was that for? The other drunk answers, you’re cheating with my wife!
- Heathcliffe and Gertrude are talking about New Years Eve. Heathcliffe says, come New Years Eve, I’m gonna have a Capistrano Special. Gertrude: Capistrano Special? What’s that? Heathcliffe: One swallow after another!
- Pantomime on people going drinking.
Monotony on the Bounty – San Fernando Red swindles Cesar Romero
Act I
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): We were invited to a cannibal dinner.
Ruby (Emmaline Henry): What happened to the 10 missing people?
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): I’m a big tipper.
Ruby (Emmaline Henry): With all that back salary you owe me, I’m still wearing last year’s stockings.
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): That’s no problem; you’ve still got last year’s legs in them!
Harry Cleancut (Cesar Romero): I have got to get away from women! What can you suggest?
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): How about a glorious weekend at the YMCA?
[San Fernando Red hires his as cruise director for his upcoming ocean trip]
Act II
[aboard the S. S. Gyp — rich women complaining that San Fernando Red promised them time alone with Harry Cleancut, but hasn’t done it]
Rich Woman: You said money returned if not completely satisfied.
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): Yes, and once I had your money, I was completely satisfied!
[The captain announces that the ship is sinking]
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): This way to the lifeboat: Women and money first!
Harry Cleancut (Cesar Romero): You’re lower than Jackie Gleason‘s bottom chin!
Act III
[Sign – shipwreck island – survivors welcome]
[Queen of the island is searching for a husband for her daughter]
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): I wonder if this is how Robinson Crusoe got started.
Harry Cleancut (Cesar Romero): I don’t know, Gilligan.
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): I wonder if it’s healthy to be eaten by a green vegetable?
Island Queen (Laura Mason): How did you get here? Were you washed up?
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): I thought I was until I met you!
[queen’s fat daughter enters]
Harry Cleancut (Cesar Romero): Are we rescued? did you see a ship?
San Fernando Red (Red Skelton): No, but an old tub showed up.
[San Fernando Red chooses to be eaten by the man eating plant rather than marry the daughter]
Classic Red Skelton sketch – The Big Trial
Judge: “Ain’t” isn’t proper! Don’t you know the King’s English?
Red: I heard he was, yes.
Red: I must first greet the jury. Mr. Kelly, Mr. Kelly, Mr. Kelly, Mrs. Kelly, Mrs. Kelly, little Kelly …
Defendant: What’s your name?
Red: Lawyer Kelly!
Defendant: I demand a fair trial!
Judge: And you’ll get one, or my name isn’t Kelly!
[turns into a Tide commercial]
Red Skelton and Cesar Romero
Cesar demonstrates the “Y” dance — Beautiful girl comes on stage. Cesar: You put your arm around her, hold her close, put your cheek next to her cheek … That’s it, brother! Why dance?
Silent Spot
Red plays the proprietor of a fish market with customer problems. He’s allergic to cats, but they keep showing up. Visual puns include pickled herring, sockeyed salmon, and holy mackerel. But soon, cats are overrunning the city.
Songs
The British rock group Silkie performs ‘A Long Time Gone‘ and ‘It Ain’t Me, Babe.’