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San Fernando: A Man With A Heart of Stolen Gold

San Fernando: A Man With A Heart of Stolen Gold - The Red Skelton Hour

After San Fernando Red swindles Eddy Arnold into selling him half his TV station, how can they pay the taxes? Will his talent agency enable the station to make enough money to pay their bills? See the answer in San Fernando: A Man With A Heart of Stolen Gold

San Fernando: A Man With A Heart of Stolen Gold – The Red Skelton Hour season 17, with Eddy Arnold


  • Two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff, are talking. “Say, did you hear about Henny Penny the chicken? She found that bag of money that those bank robbers hid and she put it away for a rainy day.” Heathcliff said, “Don’t be ridiculous. Chickens don’t need money.” She said, “Don’t you be silly. In a few years, the ways things are going, that stuff’s going to be chicken feed!”


  • You know what an income tax collector is, huh? That’s a public accountant after the nerves have been removed.
  • Incidentally, the government’s not calling us taxpayers anymore. They’re calling us Santa Claus because once a year we’re left holding the bag.
  • You know what income tax is, don’t ya? That’s when you don’t have to be a topless waitress to lose your shirt.
  • Did you hear about the topless waitress that walked into the internal revenue? And she says, “I have nothing to hide.” They knew she was cheating on her income tax, but they let her go. You know why? They couldn’t pin anything on her.

Act I

San Fernando Red is running a talent agency, with Ruby (Pat Priest) as his assistant. He turns down the two little person acrobat act — even though one of them floats through the air! After arriving via gorilla-powered taxi, he sends a young violinist to a senior citizens center. After disguising him as a senior citizen. Then, when he landlady wants to collect his grossly overdue rent, his cousin Eddy Arnold comes in. No sooner does Eddy come in than Ruby “distracts” him while San Fernando swindles him out of half ownership of his new TV station! Which is what Eddy actually wants, since he owes $20,000 in back taxes! So the cousins head back to Tennessee to make some money!

Act II

Back in Tennessee, as station WORM, the two cousins try to put on shows to save the station — but fail miserably. Then San Fernando Red decides he’s had enough, and tears up his crooked contract with Eddy Arnold. But there are no loopholes in it! So, San Fernando shoots some into it! And discovers that there’s oil under that station! They’re rich! Except that San Fernando’s no longer a partner …


Eddy Arnold sings, ‘Here Comes the Rain‘ and ‘Singin’ in the Rain.’

One Minute Dramas

Red Skelton and Eddy Arnold do a series of One Minute dramas, including:

  • Sir Isaac Newton – reporting interview him as he sits under the apple tree, and makes a great discovery …
  • World War I – Two airplane pilots shoot down Germans during the war. There’s only one problem …
  • Death Valley – a skit where Eddy is watching Death Valley Days on TV, with Red inside the set. And he’s so thirsty …

The Silent Spot – Overweight

Red plays a glutton who has to go on a crash diet so he can fit into his old college band uniform for their reunion. Free beer, after all.

Cast of characters