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Somebody Down Here Hates Me [The Red Skelton Hour]

Dr. Harvey Butterfingers (Robert Morse) on the golf course with George Appleby (Red Skelton).in Somebody Down Here Hates Me

Somebody Down Here Hates Me, The Red Skelton Hour season 15, originally aired November 30, 1965 – with Robert Morse

In Somebody Down Here Hates Me, Red Skelton plays the hen-pecked George Appleby. He’s been working two jobs to put his brother-in-law through medical school … But now that he’s a doctor, the mooching continues!

Monologue | Somebody Down Here Hates Me | On Stage | Silent Spot | Cast

Opening monologue

My daughter Valentina knitted me a tie. I won’t say it’s long, but I’ve been doing somersaults all day!

Gertrude: Did you hear about about happened at the zoo?
Heathcliffe: No, what?
Gertrude:The mamma kangaroo that adopted the baby monkey? She threw him out!
Heathcliffe:I can’t say I’m surprised. How would you like to have someone bounce a coconut against your stomach wall all day?

I read that the Italians are going to start making Western movies. Can you imagine? The only difference is that the Indians, instead of saying “Geronimo” will be saying “Mama mia!”

His wife said to him, “What are you, a man or a mouse?”
He didn’t say anything, he just kept eating … his cheese sandwich.

Pantomime of a little man in jail.

Comedy Sketch – Somebody Down Here Hates Me.

Robert Morse plays George Appleby’s freeloading brother-in-law, and Doris Singleton appears as George’s wife, Clara. George has been working two jobs to put him through medical school … But the mooching continues!

Act I – George Appleby working two jobs

George working in a diner with his wife. He’s working two job to support his brother in law. He’s also working as a barber, and running between the two shops.

George puts shaving cream on a customer’s hamburger, and mustard on the barber customer’s face — and cuts him. The man complains, of course. “You mean at my age I can still cut the mustard!”

Diner: This isn’t mustard, it’s soap!
George Appleby: Look at it this way, you’ll have the cleanest tape worm in town.

[after Clara has hit him over the head with a dinner plate] Doctor! You’ve got to help me, I’m bleeding!
Robert Morse: [George’s brother-in-law, who has just graduated from medical school] I can’t help you bleed. Some things you have to do for yourself.

Act II – in the doctor’s office

[At the office of Dr. Harvey Butterfingers – George’s brother-in-law, whom George is regretfully funding]

Joke with sexy nurse while George is holding a thermometer. George brings in a pair of skeletons, frightening the nurse.

Clara: What is that girl doing with her arms around you?
George Appleby: She was trying to hold her own hand, and I got in the way.

Patient: A doctor has a patient waiting, and he ducks out [to play golf]. What kind of doctor is that?
George Appleby: A doctor that ducks out is some kind of quack!

Act III – at the Hook & Slice golf club

George brings the patient to the golf course on a gurney.

Patient: I only came to you in the first place because I was having trouble breathing!
Robert Morse: Don’t worry, I’ll put a stop to that!

Robert Morse: There’s no need to be nervous. You’ll be as good as new in three days. [off screen, someone yells “Fore!”] Okay, four days.

Dr. Harvey Butterfingers (Robert Morse) on the golf course with George Appleby (Red Skelton).
Dr. Harvey Butterfingers (Robert Morse) on the golf course with George Appleby (Red Skelton).

[George has a golf ball stuck in his ear. The golfer plays through. The ball ends up in Clara’s mouth.]
George Appleby: How do you like that? Just when she can’t talk, I lose my hearing!

Classic Red Skelton sketch

Red Skelton & Robert Morse on stage

They play out a scene from The Gangster’s Goodbye with Red as Kelly the Cop. He pantomimes shooting him, machine gun, throws a hand grenade…

Red Skelton: Tell me your name.
Robert Morse: What for?
Red Skelton: So I can tell your mother.
Robert Morse: That’s silly. My mother knows my name.

The Silent Spot – Red as a mad scientist

Red pantomimes a mad scientist. Doris Singleton replies to a help wanted ad for an assistant – help wanted with transplants. She goes into a closet to change, and keeps handing out various items of clothing as she changes into a lab outfit. In the meanwhile, the mad scientist doees an extended bit, mixing chemicals, changing colors, and finally changing it to – a banana, with a hot dog inside the peel.

Mad scientist then shows off his enlarging machine. Turns normal glasses to gigantic, clownish size. Enlarged a Ken doll to man-sized. Next a pair of stuffed animals, and he changes the machine to ‘transplant’ – the animals come out with their heads exchanged. Next, the life-size Ken lays down, and he tries to hynotize Doris to alsso lie down. He fires up the transplant machine, and … Ken has Doris’ head. The other chamber stubbornly doesn’t want to open, but eventually … Doris now has the mad scientist’s head!

Songs

  • The Animals perform ‘We Gotta Get Out of This Place‘ and ‘Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood.
  • The Doodletown Pipers perform Hallelujah

Cast of characters

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