Stone Walls Do Not a Prison Make: So They Added Iron Bars – The Red Skelton Hour, season 19, with Cesar Romero
In Stone Walls Do Not a Prison Make: So They Added Iron Bars, Inmates Cesar Romero and Bolivar Shagnasty revolt against lousy prison food . Then, the drunken Willie Lump Lump “helps” a young boy with his lemonade stand.
Monologue | Stone Walls | Lemonade Stand | Silent Spot | Songs | Cast | Trivia | Quotes
Monologue
- Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fireplace!
- Spring is here! I woke up this morning and found a blue jay on my corn.
- A big funeral went by, and one guy says, “I wonder who’s dead.” I said, “I think it’s a guy in the front car.”
- Last night I had a dream, I had a strange dream. I dreamed I was a travel agent, but I quit because I couldn’t tell anybody where to go.
- Do you ever go on one of those tours, you know, those reduction tours? You feel like a school kid in Pasadena.
Travel
- I went on one of those tours, and I’ll tell you how fast they move. I dropped my camera and I went to pick it up, I stooped over, see, I missed three countries!
- Hey, when you go on those tours, you got to be in condition. There’s a neighbor friend of mine who went to 14 countries in 13 days. And when she got back she was known as the dragon lady. And you can imagine what was draggin’!
- I like Europe because everybody’s so Continental. There’s a brilliant line! I went into a restaurant, I paid this big bill, see, I gave the waiter a large traveler’s check. And you know they won’t cash them traveler’s checks unless you can give identification. So they said to my wife, says, “Can you identify yourself?” And she pulled out a mirror and she says, “Yeah, that’s me.”
- I gave this waiter one of the large traveler’s checks, see, and when he comes back — no change. So I said, “Haven’t you forgotten something?” and held out my hand. He says, “Oh, sure” …. And he kissed it!
Rome
- You haven’t lived until you go to Rome, boy, and go to one of those Italian restaurants. I went into this one place and they were having spaghetti with garlic macaroni with garlic. Lasagna with garlic. Pizza with garlic. And the waiter says, “What would you like?” I says, “Close to a window.”
- I got to tell you what happened to a friend of mine. He went to Naples, and he meets this most beautiful, gorgeous, most exciting girl you’ve ever seen in your life. See, and they’re city on a park bench, and this big six feet three hundred pound weight lifter comes around. Weight lifter – you go into a place and lift something, wouldn’t wait to pay for it. He walks up in back of him and the girl says to him, “Ever hear the expression, ‘See Naples and die’?” He says, “Yes.” She says, “Well, take a good look, that’s my husband.”
- If you really want to have a vacation, have a lot of fun, go on a cruise. Hey, go walk up to any large group of girls and just say that you’re a rich, unmarried doctor. I had a friend did that once. He’d have been 28 next Tuesday.
- This one girl came up, and said she had the honor of dining at the Captain’s table. I never did eat with the Captain. I figure, pay that kind of money, why eat with the help?
- So I ask this girl, “Did you mess with the captain?” [audience reaction] She says, “Yes, and I had dinner with him too!”
- We do all kinds of silly things like that, my wife goes in, they say, “Would you like some caviar?” And my wife says, “Caviar, what’s that?” He says, “Fish eggs.” She says, “I’ll have two, scrambled.”
Gertrude and Heathcliffe
- Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the two seagulls, “Gertrude, did you hear the news? Clara the Canary wants to rent out the floor of her cage.” She said, “What? That’s ridiculous. Who would want to rent the floor of a canary’s cage?” “People who want to get down to the nitty gritty.”
Stone Walls Do Not a Prison Make: So They Added Iron Bars
In prison, Bolivar Shagnasty (Red Skelton) and his cellmate Butch (Cesar Romero) find the prison food revolting. How bad is it? The mice turn it down! So, they get a message from Bolivar’s girlfriend, via rock, and make a daring move! Is it a prison break? Not exactly.
Instead, they make their way to the north wall of the prison — after stopping to do some dancing in the prison spotlight! Once their, the girlfriend crashes through the prison wall — with a food truck! Bolivar, Butch, the other prisoners, and even the guards rush to get some good food!
It’s a funny skit, with Bolivar and Cesar horsing around early on, with Bolivar having swallowed a harmonica. And fooling his cellmate into thinking that Cesar has a musical finger …. For a moment.
Lemonade Stand
A young boy (Clint Howard) sells lemonade. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of asking inebriate Willy Lump Lump to watch the lemonade stand while he gets more ice. So, Willy “helpfully” adds alcohol to the batch! And multiple customers come by and have some of the “improved” product.
- Little old lady. Who, after a drink, cartwheels and runs down the street!
- Temperance gentleman.
- Henpecked husband who, after a drink, finds the courage to stand up to his wife.
But finally, a police officer comes by, notices just how drunk the temperance man is …. And arrests the young boy for selling liquor! But, in a sweet moment, Willie and the Temperance man go to bail him out.
The Silent Spot – the old crossing guard
Red appears as his elderly character, Pops, as an old school crossing guard on his last day of work. And, Pops thinks that we won’t be missed. But, while indulging in his pity party, he continues to do his job of helping the school children cross the street safely. There’s a fair amount of prop comedy. As well as the running joke of the (unseen) motorist nearly running him down multiple times.
At the end, the children come out of school early, and cross back across the street. Safely, with Pops’ help. But, he’s confused, since its’ several hours early. Then the children present him with a going-away present, and a note that reads:
“To Pop-
We love you and we’ll miss you.
– All your kids”
Leaving the retiring crossing guard happy indeed, and ending his last day at work on a happy note.
Songs
- Brenda Thomson of the Tom Hansen Dancers performs ‘I’ll Never Fall in Love Again‘
Cast
- Red Skelton … Host / Bolivar Shagnasty / Willie Lump Lump
- Jan Arvan (20 Million Miles to Earth) … Prison Guard
- Patrick Campbell … Henry — Henpecked Husband
- Henry Corden (The Man Called Flintstone) … Police Captain
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Announcer
- Edward J. Heim … Regular dancer
- Clint Howard (Apollo 13) … Lemonade Stand Proprietor
- Ray Kellogg … Temperance Protester
- Brad Logan … Guard #2
- Ida Mae McKenzie … Ethel — Bossy Wife
- Cesar Romero (Batman the Movie, Two on a Guillotine) … Prison Convict
- Brenda Thomson … Guest Dancer
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
- Helen Kleeb (Seven Days in May) … Homeowner
- Ed Pfeiffer … Dancer
- Linda Sue Risk … School Girl
Trivia
- This episode was Red’s final on CBS.
Quotes
Four Walls do not a Prison Make, So They Added Iron Bars
Bolivar Shagnasty: I’m going nuts! I can’t tell if this is a white suit with black stripes, or a black suit with white stripes!
Bolivar Shagnasty: How’d you ever get in a place like this?
Butch: Im a cat burglar.
Bolivar Shagnasty: Is there much money in stealing cats?
Bolivar Shagnasty: You mean the kind that sneaks into the beautiful boudoirs of these movie stars and looks for their valuables?
Butch: No, only their jewels.
Bolivar Shagnasty: How’d you get caught?
Butch: One night, I spotted this beautiful debutante and she was wearing a big diamond necklace, so I got her to dance with me. And then while I’m stealing the necklace, the beautiful debutante turns out to be a woman cop.
Bolivar Shagnasty: You’re kidding me, you’re kidding me. Did she pinch you?
Butch: It was about even.
Butch: How long you in for?
Bolivar Shagnasty: I got 99 years.
Butch: You’re lucky you didn’t get life. Look on the bright side – with the lousy food you get in this joint, you won’t live long.
Bolivar Shagnasty: I’m not playing a harmonica, it just so happens I’ve got musical asthma.
Bolivar Shagnasty: I’m hungry.
Butch: Well, I guess you better tighten up your belt.
Bolivar Shagnasty: I can’t, I ate that for breakfast.
Lemonade Stand
Willie Lump Lump: [spiking the lemonade] Chicken whiskey: one drink and you just lay there.
Willie Lump Lump: [spiking it some more] Elephant whiskey: One drink and you go upstairs and throw your trunk out the window.