Ten Baby Fingers and Twelve Baby Toes, The Red Skelton Hour season 12, with Stubby Kaye and Janis Paige, originally aired November 12, 1962
In Ten Baby Fingers and 12 Baby Toes, Junior Cavendish (Red Skelton), the Mean Little Kid’s mother (Janis Paige) bundles the kid off to a child psychiatrist (Stubby Kaye). And the psychiatrist plans to marry Mrs. Cavendish for her money … Junior to the rescue!
Monologue | Ten Baby Fingers and Twelve Baby Toes | Silent Spot | Music | Cast
Monologue
Thanksgiving jokes
- Welcome to our Thanksgiving show. We know it’s a Thanksgiving show, since we sent the script to the president of CBS, and he sent it back marked “turkey”.
- You know what Thanksgiving really is, don’t you? That’s November’s way of saying that the Christmas bills are just around the corner!
- The cannibal who had invited some friends over for Thanksgiving dinner … No turkey, just friends!
Turkey jokes
- You know that the turkey growers, they seem to every year find a new way to get more meat on the turkey or do something different. This year they crossed a kangaroo with a turkey. Now when you lay them on the platter you’ve got a little pouch to put the cranberries in!
- I like turkey myself, it’s a wonderful dinner, and as a matter of fact it’s the first thing Georgia my wife prepared when we were on our honeymoon. She fixed this turkey and I was tickled to death. She forgot to take the feathers off!
- Hey, one time she fixed a turkey and we didn’t want to kill it, see, so we chloroformed it and we picked all the feathers off him, see, and we put him in the ice box, and about an hour later we went back and he’d come to life again. There he was with two stalks of celery doing a fan dance!
- Last year we had a turkey, it was the toughest thing. As a matter of fact, we sent a wire up to Salt Lake City to see if that statue of the seagull was missing!
- This turkey was really tough, you know, it took us 12 hours of cooking. He kept blowing out the pilot light!
- I was reading a book about Thanksgiving the other day. It seems the first Thanksgiving dinner, John Alden was already in love with Priscilla. You see now, after the first course, he kissed her hand. The second course, he kissed her elbow, and the third course he kissed her cheek. The name of the book was “Pilgrim’s Progress”.
- Hey, you know, one nice thing about relatives, though, my relatives are all very considerate. Right after Thanksgiving dinner, they sit down and right after it’s over, they’re ready to leave …. when Christmas comes.
Gertrude and Heathcliffe
Gertrude and Heathcliffe: Gertrude says, I’m glad that I’m not a turkey. I’m really glad that I’m not a turkey. I’m glad I’m a seagull. Turkeys have it tough, you know. First, the butcher fills you full of rocks, so you’ll be heavier. Then they roast you and knock the stuffing out of you. But after you’re dead, they pick on you for a week afterwards. No matter how nice you try to be, you wind up in the soup.
Heathcliffe: You’re glad you’re not a turkey, well I’m glad I’m not a swan.
Gertrude: You’re glad you’re not a swan?
Heathcliffe: Yeah, you know why their necks are so long?
Gertrude: Why no, why are their necks so long?
Heathcliffe: Because their heads are so far from their bodies!
Ten Baby Fingers and Twelve Baby Toes Act I
Ten Baby Fingers and Twelve Baby Toes is the first full appearance of Junior, the Mean Little Kid. In my opinion, a character that worked better on radio than on television. For example, here they try to explain why Junior is so large for his age (7 years old). At the hospital, all of the nurses fed him his vitamins.
At home, Junior Cavendish is despised by the household staff. The scene begins with them throwing darts at a dartboard with Junior’s photo. Junior Cavendish’s mother (Janis Paige) thinks that she’s driven Junior far away. But, he finds his way home anyway. So, at her wits end, she takes Junior to a child psychiatrist. A recurring bit is Junior threatening to tell people that she used to be “Bubbles”, a … dancer. And saying phrases that trigger her into starting her dance!
Ten Baby Fingers and Twelve Baby Toes Act II
At the psychiatrist’s office, Mrs. Cavendish relates the story of how, the same day Junior was born, her then-husband ran away to the base on the moon! “I had a son in the morning, he went to the moon by night.” Junior is his normal, bratty self, and assaults the doctor. He doctor is willing to simply call him a brat …. Until he finds out that Mrs. Cavendish is worth over $1 million dollars! He immediately falls in love and proposes. Junior is determined to stop the wedding!
Ten Baby Fingers and Twelve Baby Toes Act III
Riding his motor scooter around the living room, Junior mistakes the mannequin with his mother’s wedding dress for her. And, when she doesn’t respond — he rams her! Causing the mannequin’s head to fall off, and Junior thinking he’s beheaded his mother. After a moment’s confusion, Mrs. Cavendish comes in, and confirms that she is going to marry the doctor. After all, Junior has chased away all other suitors. But Junior isn’t about to let that happen …
Up in his room, Junior is using his chemistry set. He’s making an explosive cigar for the doctor. Very explosive. He then takes it downstairs, gives it to the doctor, insisting that he smoke it before dinner. Since there won’t be any after dinner! But after several moments, it hasn’t exploded. So, Junior takes it back to his room to find out what went wrong. And from offscreen, there’s a huge explosion! The story ends with Junior, exploded through the floor of his room, but otherwise unhurt.
The Silent Spot – Pilgrim Hunting for Thanksgiving Dinner
Red plays a Pilgrim hunting for Thanksgiving dinner. Stubby Kaye plays a “helpful” Native American. This is an absolutely hilarious skit! Pilgrim Red is hunting for the first Thanksgiving turkey. He goes around a cluster of prop bushes and trees, using the rule of three. The first time, a squirrel is riding on his hat. The second time, it’s a bunny. The third time, it’s a skunk! A very determined skunk! It’s hilarious, but eventually he gets rid of the skunk.
Eventually, Red loses the critters, but finds an Indian Chief (Stubby Kaye) instead! At first, Red doesn’t truest him …. But after proving himself, capable of successfully shooting his rife, he pantomimes hunting for a turkey. And eventually, Stubby Kaye understands … Then he takes him to a refrigerator hidden in a tree! And, sells Red a turkey dinner!
Music
Janis Paige sings “Tea for Two” 
Janis Paige and Stubby Kaye sing “Teamwork.”
Cast
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Junior Cavendish – the Mean Widdle Kid
- Gilchrist Stuart … Self – Hawkins
- Helen Kleeb … Self – The Head Nurse
- Jena Engstrom … Self – Young Woman
- Stubby Kaye (Li’l Abner, Guys and Dolls, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) … Self / Child Psychiatrist
- Janis Paige (Silk Stockings, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies) … Self – Mrs. Cavendish