The Agony and the Nag-Ony with Vincent Price – The Red Skelton Hour season 15, originally aired January 25, 1966
- I could have been an officer in the Army, but they never came around the guard house to see the good work I was doing.
- I’ll never forget, I used to say, “Why do we have to get up at 5:00 in the morning?” The sergeant says, “To beat the enemy.” I says, “I don’t want to beat him. I’ll get up when they do.”
- We had a wonderful outfit I was with. We had one guy that was an expert in gas. He was the cook.
- When I was taking my basic training in Camp Roberts, we were on this bivouac. And I’m standing out in the middle of this field, and the lieutenant yells to me, “Skelton! Get out of the middle of the field! You want to get killed?” I says, “What?” He says, “We’re simulating that the enemy is on the top of that hill!” I says, “Oh, they’ll never get me, sir. I’m simulating I’m behind a big rock.”
Everything is bigger in Texas
- One time they had general inspection. General You Hoolier was coming through, you see, so they had us rookies cleaning up the officers’ quarters. We don’t know the difference, see. So we go into town, and on the way back …. We had one lieutenant I gotta tell you about him, his name was Windburn. He was from Texas, and everything is twice as big in Texas. No matter what. I’d say, “How do you like this Camp Roberts?” He’d say, “You think this is a big camp? Why, down in Texas we got a place called Hood. You can hide this in one corner. We got induction centers twice as big as this in Texas.” I says, “What do you think of the Inn, is that a nice hotel?” He says, “Is that a hotel? We’ve got drive-ins bigger than that. Twice as big as that.” Everything was twice as big. So we’re up cleaning his room, and on the way back from town, we cross over this little bridge, and I see a lot of little hard-shelled turtles. We fill our pockets full of these things, and in his room, we stuff them under his pillow. And we’re laughing and carrying on, and he comes in and says, “Attention! What’s going on here? Good heavens, what is that?” I says, “Them’s California bed bugs! Don’t tell me you’ve got ’em twice as big in Texas!”
Palm Springs Rodeo
- Red introduces the Queen of the Palm Springs Rodeo. Which turns out to actually be his daughter, Valentina.
Red pantomimes an encounter between a prospector and a rattlesnake.
The Agony and the Nag-Ony Act I
George Appleby is working at a furniture store, where he insults a fat customer. His wife calls for him – loudly! George’s boss: “Is it thunder?” George: “No, it’s my wife Clara.” Boss: “How can you tell?” George: “No lightning.” Disappointed with his teensy take home pay, Clara says, “I should have married someone who deserves me.” George: “Too bad Jack the Ripper is dead.”
Door-to-door psychiatrist Sigmund Fraud (Vincent Price) comes in the office door. And George gets the idea to have him drive Clara insane!
The Agony and the Nag-Ony Act II
At Dr. Fraud’s office, Clara keeps kissing the doctor … And he likes it! And whenever the doctor’s head is turned, she assaults George! She makes it look like she’s a perfectly normal, devoted housewife …. And that George is insane. So, George invites Dr. Fraud to their house that evening, so he can prove Clara’s insanity.
The Agony and the Nag-Ony Act III
When Dr. Fraud arrives at the Appleby home, he tells George that Clara simply isn’t insane. So, George bribes him with twenty-five dollars. “For twenty-five dollars, I’d break up Sears & Roebuck!” They try to drive her crazy, by pretending to play ping upon on. an “invisible” table.
Clara decides to turn the tables on George …
Clara: How much is George paying you to drive me crazy?
Dr. Sigmund Fraud: 25 dollars.
Clara: Switch to my side, and I’ll double the 25!
Dr. Sigmund Fraud: Wow! 35!
And the skit ends with George, dressed in a giant butterfly outfit — as part of his scheme to drive Clara insane. However, the men from the “funny farm” that George called earlier arrive. And think George is the insane one! So George is being chased by men from a sanitarium into the audience!
Classic Red Skelton Sketch – Weepy
J. Newton Numbskull, as Weepy gets interviewed about the lousy football team he coaches.
Interviewer: You played a girls’ team?
Weepy: Those were the dirtiest players I’ve ever seen! One of them throw one my my player’s legs into the stands! The audience cheered, “He gained a yard!” No, he lost a foot!
Skelton Scrapbook – The Bouncer, starring Cauliflower McPugg
Cauliflower talks to his friend, “Granulated” Robinson. He then interacts with the musicians. While he’s gone, the band plays a very energetic number.
Musician: Solid, man!
Cauliflower McPugg: I used to be, but I’m getting kinda flabby.
He then interacts with a couple that came for the dance. He finally goes in to deal with a tough guy at the dance, and gets thrown out.
Red and Vincent Price on stage
Vincent promises to sell Red Skelton a rare painting — Whistler’s Father.
Red: Whistler’s father? I didn’t know he had one!
Vincent Price: What do you think she did her whole life, sit in that chair?
Vincent shows Red the “painting” – and Red asks him to prove that it’s authentic. On cue, the “painting” whistles!
The Silent Spot – The Composer
Red vainly seeks solitude so he can write his next masterpiece. The cabin that he rented (sight unseen) give “ramshackle” aa bad name. But I did enjoy the bear in the refrigerator … who soon comes to visit! And soon after, the poor bear’s being chased by a hunter! The table’s soon turned, as the bear chases the hunter with a rifle! All of which serves to inspired Red. If only his piano hadn’t collapsed!