The Land of Bilk and Money – The Red Skelton Hour season 16, with Robert Vaughn and Joyce Jameson, originally aired October 18, 1966
In The Land of Bilk and Money, Sheriff Deadeye has to deal with a crusader who comes to clean up his town! And, milk it dry in the process! Wait a minute, that’s Deadeye’s job!
Monologue
- When I first married her, she couldn’t boil water, you know. Now she can, but she calls it soup.
- My wife’s a good cook. She can take a pound of flour, and some shortening, and some nutmeg, and some little spices and things, and some vanilla extract, mix it up real good, put it in the oven and back it at 300° for an hour, and have the finest slab of Italian marble you’ve ever tasted!
- There was a little boy who, for fourteen years, never spoke. Never spoke, never said a word. So this one night at the dinner table, he was looking down, and he pushes his food away from him, and he says, “I can’t eat this slop!” Well, the father and mother were so happy to hear the kid talk, they said, “Well, you’ve never talked before! How come?” And the kid says, “Up to now, everything’s been okay.”
The Land of Bilk and Honey
Act I
The Land of Bilk and Honey begins in the saloon, when a bad wind blows in Sheriff Deadeye. And Deadeye, after a powerful drink of whiskey — complete with slapstick reaction — wastes no time fining the bartender! For “watering down” the whiskey! Then, we’re introduced to the lovely saloon girl, Hip Van Winkle (Joyce Jameson), who begins flirting with Sheriff Deadeye. Then, enters the famous reformer, Victor Virtue (Robert Vaughn)! A man who’s famous for “cleaning up” towns. Which he proceeds to do in the bar — with a whip!
He smashes a bottle as Deadeye is drinking from it. Then, he smashes the bottles behind the bar. And then he takes the “ill gotten” money from the till! An unintentionally funny scene, as the prop “bar” keeps moving as people lean against it. And Victor pockets the money. And we thought that Deadeye was corrupt. But, Victor Virtue convinces the bar patrons to reform. Beginning with Hip van Winkle, then the gamblers …. Who also give their money to Victor’s “crusade”. And off Victor Virtue goes, with his new disciple …. Hip van Winkle! There must be a way for Sheriff Deadeye to cash in on this somehow …
Act II
The Land of Bilk and Money continues as Victor Virtue’s multi-story mansion. He’s counting his money, as his disciple Hip van Winkle comes in – now wearing a white robe. Soon, Sheriff Deadeye is approaching. But, his horse doesn’t stop on time (it’s trimmed it’s toenails, apparently) and Sheriff Deadeye accidentally crashes through the wall! With a little “help” from Victor Virtue, he comes in, and explains why he’s there. He wants to join their crusade!
Not surprisingly, Victor Virtue doesn’t automatically believe him. And wants to put him to the test. So, Hip van Winkle leaves the room, and comes back in her sexy dance hall girl costume. And, proceeds to “tempt” Sheriff Deadeye. And, he apparently does well enough, that Victor Virtue is going to put him to a test …
Act III
Sheriff Deadeye’s test is apparently to convert an island of pirates from the path of “naughtiness”! Cowardly Sheriff Deadeye enters the scene, using a carrot and stick approach. The carrot is a bottle of booze, suspended from a stick, that he dangles in front of him, and the stick is holding a gun to his own back!
Victor Virtue: How can you shoot yourself in the back?
Sheriff Deadeye: It’s easy – just aim for the yellow streak!
When Sheriff Deadeye’s efforts fall flat, it’s Hip van Winkle’s turn to try. She takes off her white robe to reveal her sexy dance hall girl outfit. She then explains that she was once just like them ….
Deadeye: You were like him? What’s your plastic surgeon’s name?
And she kisses them one by one …. Leading Victor Virtue to fire her! After she leaves, one of the pirates accuse Sheriff Deadeye of lying. He denies it, saying that if he’s lying, may the ground open up! And … it does! Revealing the pirates’ lost treasure. It opens, with oodles of gold and jewels. Victor Virtue decides to ditch his reform racket, and he and Deadeye will become pirates! Deadeye says, he’ll be counting loot Monday through Saturday …. Then a comely female pirate pops out of the chest, and he declares, “There go my Sundays!” ending the sketch.
Classic Red Skelton Sketch – Dr. Clem Kadiddlehopper
Clem Kadiddlehopper selling the book, “Brain Surgery Self Taught”
On Stage
Robert Vaughn joins Red Skelton on stage, to demonstrate karate chops. He effortlessly chops through a (rigged) plank of wood, and then a brick. But Red stymies him with the one thing nobody can cut through …. His wife’s biscuits!
Silent Spot
In the Silent Spot, Red plays the part of a husband, on his day off. After an extended, and funny, bit about mixing himself a drink, his wife wants him to fix things around the house. He patches a small hole in the wall, turning it into a huge hole.
Music
- Jay and the Americans perform, ‘Chilly Winds‘ and ‘Come a Little Bit Closer‘.
Cast
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Sheriff Deadeye / Husband-Silent Spot
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Jay and the Americans … Guest Vocalists
- Patrick Campbell … Reformed Gambler
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Self – Announcer (voice)
- Joyce Jameson (The Comedy of Terrors) … Hip Van Winkle
- Ray Kellogg … Bartender
- Len Lesser (Kelly’s Heroes) … Percival Cutthroat – Pirate with Hook
- Patty Regan … Housewife — Silent Spot
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
- Robert Vaughn (The Magnificent Seven, Battle Beyond the Stars) … Victor Virtue
Jokes
Hip van Winkle: I used to work in a saloon. Small salary, and no tips.
Sheriff Deadeye: Must’ve been one of those tipless joints!
Hip van Winkle: This is terrible! Back to the beer and sawdust …
Sheriff Deadeye: Have you ever tried beer and pretzels?
Hip van Winkle: I never thought of that.
Sheriff Deadeye: Ain’t you a buccaneer?
Pirate: Yeah, a buccaneer!
Sheriff Deadeye: Ain’t that a little high for corn? A buck an ear?