In The Love Bug’ll Getcha If You Don’t Use DDT, Paw wants Clem Kadiddlehopper to get married, so he can get a grandchild!
The Love Bug’ll Getcha If You Don’t Use DDT – The Red Skelton Hour season 17, with Jack Jones
Monologue
- There were two drunks, one of them says, Everybody’s talking about going to the moon, let’s us go to the sun! The guy goes, Go to the sun? We’ll burn up! He says, We’ll go at night.
- I had an embarrassing experience. I was looking for one of those take out fried chicken places, you know, and I walked into the maternity ward by mistake. It was the sign that fooled me, it says, “We Deliver”.
- You know what I like to do? I like to go to the maternity ward in the hospital, and watch the fathers looking at the little ones. There was one guy at the window [makes funny faces], and one kid goes to the other, “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I hope he’s just a visitor.”
- There were two old men standing there looking at these little babies, and one guy says, “You know, that brings back memories when I was born.” He says, “I couldn’t talk, I didn’t have any hair, didn’t have any teeth neither.” And he says, “Looks like you’re right back where you started from.”
- The tender moment when they’re wheeling the wife into the delivery room. He’s calling, “My dear! My darling! My everything!” …. You should hear what she’s calling him!
Act I – The Love Bug’ll Getcha If You Don’t Use DDT
Paw and Maw Kadiddlehopper drag their son Clem to the “Love Clinic”, so the Love Professor (Jack Jones) can teach him to propose to his girlfriend of 20 years, Daisy June. Clem accidentally throws his poor mother out the window in a slapstick moment! And after she climbs back up …. Out she goes!
Professor Jones decides that Clem needs to practice proposing, so he brings in his assistant — the butcher’s daughter. Whom Clem insults repeatedly, of course. Professor Jones has them dance, to get romantic, and have Clem pretend that she’s Daisy June. Which results in more insults for the poor lady, of course.
The plan is to have Clem go back to the farm that night, and propose to Daisy June. The Professor will hide in the bushes to coach him. In case Daisy June’s out of her mind and says “yes”, Clem will have to kiss her. So, he’s to practice on the butcher’s daughter. Clem, repulsed, closes his eyes …. And accidentally kisses his own father! “What have you been teaching my boy?” One last time, following the rule of three, Maw Kadiddlehopper climbs back up …. And out she goes!
Act II – The Love Bug’ll Getcha If You Don’t Use DDT
Back at the farm, Clem is preparing to propose to Daisy June. But between his stupidity and his shyness, he fails. Daisy June’s had enough! She announces her engagement to Henry Wadsworth Shortfellow (Billy Barty)! Henry, tired of Clem’s short jokes, bets him that his arms are longer than Clem’s! And he wins! Henry’s so happy at being engaged to Daisy June, he does a cartwheel and runs off stage.
Professor Jones decides to show Clem how it’s done. He hugs Daisy June, kisses her, and proposes. And she says yes! And the couple leaves to get married, as poor Henry comes back, to get angry at Clem’s stupidity, ending the sketch with a short fight.
Classic Red Skelton
The Step Brothers do a very energetic, very entertaining dance number.
One Minute Dramas
- Graduation Day
- 1st graduating class of the Judo academy.
- Self Defense
- Using a knife for self-defense in a bad neighborhood?
- Wife Exterminator
- Talk about killing with kindness …
Music
- Jack Jones sings, ‘Getting Sentimental Over You‘ and ‘Pretty.’
- The Tom Hansen Dancers interpret ‘Music, Music, Music.’
Silent Spot
Red plays an exhausted traveling salesman trying to get some sleep at a noisy hotel.
Jokes – Act I
Nurse: I’ll tell the Love Professor that Clem’s here.
Paw Kaddiddlehopper: He may be here, but he’s not all there!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: [to the butcher’s daughter] You know, if you were alive today, you’d be a very sick woman.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: [dancing with the butcher’s daughter] I couldn’t pretend she’s Daisy June! Daisy June’s got curves in places she don’t even have places.
Butcher’s Daughter: I wouldn’t marry you even if you were the President!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: He’s got enough troubles as it is, lady …
Professor Jones: Clem, what do you do now that you’ve proposed to the girl of your dreams?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I pinch her to see if I’m dreaming.
Professor Jones: Don’t you mean you pinch yourself?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I ain’t that stupid!
Jokes – Act II
Paw Kadiddlehopper: Clem, when you get married, I’m not only losing a son. I’m losing the only reason I drink.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Dear old man … dear dirty old man …. As the cuspidor said to the cross-eyed tobacco chewer, it’s nice to be missed.
Daisy June: If I close my eyes, Clem, what will you do?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: [to the audience] Should I tell her? [to Daisy June] You know what I’ll do ….
Daisy June: What?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I’ll kill your frog!
Daisy June: I don’t have a frog.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: You come any closer, I’m gonna croak, I’ll tell you that!
Professor Jones: Clem! You better kiss her before LBJ puts a tax on it!
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / Traveling Salesman-Silent Spot
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Jan Arvan (The Poseidon Adventure, 20 Million Miles to Earth) … Paw Kadiddlehopper / Hotel Manager-Silent Spot
- Billy Barty (Willow, The Undead) … Henry Wadsworth Shortfellow / Stick Up Man — One Minute Drama
- Frankie Darro … Maw Kaddiddlehopper
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Announcer (voice)
- Jack Jones (Airplane II) … Self / Professor Jones / One Minute Dramas
- Elaine Joyce (How to Frame a Figg, Bye Bye Birdie) … Girl Dancer — Silent Spot
- Dorothy Neumann (The Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow, The Terror) … The Butcher’s Daughter
- Jackie Russell (The Cheyenne Social Club) … Daisy June
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
- Gary Waynesmith (Slaughterhouse 5) … Hotel Bellhop — Silent Spot
- Beverly Powers (The Comedy of Terrors) … One Minute Dramas Cue Card Lady