- You know, I know one fellow down in Vegas who did pretty well this year. He came to town in a $10,000 Cadillac, and he went home in a $50,000 bus.
- For those who are not familiar with Las Vegas, you’ve heard of the war on poverty? Well, Vegas is where you go to surrender.
- You can always tell you’re in Las Vegas, though, by the traffic lights there. They’ve got lights that say “walk”, “don’t walk”, and “2 to 1 you don’t make it”.
- You can always tell you’re gettin’ near Las Vegas when you’re driving, they have those big signs that say, “Keep Nevada green … lose!”
- When I go, I’m kind of unlucky when I go. I’m so unlucky that I — in the postage stamp machine, I lost my letter.
- If you don’t gamble, there are other places you can go, you know. You can go to Hoover Dam. Hoover Dam — it used to be “Hoover Darn” on television, but since Virginia Woolf you can say anything.
- I went to Las Vegas – that’s about 300 miles as the dough flies.
- I don’t like to brag, but when I was down there I stayed at the Sands Hotel. It’s really a swanky place there. The manager came over to me and he says, “Mr. Skelton, you’ll have to put on a tie”. I says, “In the pool?”
- It’s really a big place, it’s really big. This hotel is the first time I’ve ever saw a Texan embarrassed. He came in, and he was a little drunk, see. I says, “These guys are always braggin’ about how big everything is in Texas. Let’s have some fun, see.” He walks into this lobby, and it’s a room that’s 200 feet deep and 300 feet wide, and it’s got a fountain right in the middle, see. He says, “Boy, you call this a lobby?” I says, “No, this is the elevator.”
- They got another place there, a new hotel called Caesar’s Palace, and they gave it the right name because I saw one guy that lost everything, he was going around saying, “Lend me your ears.”
- And every place in town had those beautiful girl shows, you know. I went to one of them, I went to one of them. My wife says to me, she says, “You look at those pretty girls and you’ll go blind.” I says, “I’ll risk one eye.”
- You should see the new dresses they’re wearing down there. They’re short, you know. I said to my wife, “What do you think of these short dresses?” She says, “Nothing is more flattering.” I says, “No, but you can’t carry it that far.” (source: Eenie Meenie Minee Schmo)