Shine On, Harvest Goon

Buddy Ebsen as Jedd Clampett, in character in The Red Skelton Hour episode, Shine On Harvest Goon

Shine On, Harvest Goon – The Red Skelton Hour, season 15, originally aired January 11, 1966

In Shine On, Harvest Goon Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen) hires Clem Kadiddlehopper, to help him lose money for tax purposes. Surely even Clem can’t mess that up?

Monologue

  • We just had a little accident backstage. One of the fellows back there’s been studying Kung Fu; he burped, hit his stomach and killed himself!
  • Old dentist’s slogan: be true to your teeth, or they’ll be false to you!
  • New fad in California: kids wearing braces, When they kiss, sparks fly!
  • Last night it was so cold my teeth were chattering. I finally got up, took them out of the glass, and put them outside.
  • Dentist, pulling a young boy’s tooth. The boy doesn’t want to feel any pain, so he has the nurse poke him in the backside with a knitting needle as he pulls the tooth. Ouch! The dentists asks, did you feel any pain in your mouth? No, the boy replies, but I didn’t realize the root went down that deep!
  • Gertrude & Heathcliffe:
    • Gertrude: Did you hear that Homer the Duck’s wife is divorcing him?
      Heathcliffe: No! Why?
    • Gertrude: After all these years, she realized she can’t stand quackers in bed!

Shine On, Harvest Goon

Act I

Clem Kadiddlehopper is supposed to paint their barn, but manages to knock his Ma into the well repeatedly.

Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): That boy can’t remember anything! Every morning I have to remind him to breathe!

Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): Do you know you knocked your Ma into the well?
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): No, the only song I know is “Tiptoe Through the Tulips”

Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): Just one thing. What’s a “rung”?
Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): The ladder rung! The ladder rung!
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): I didn’t hear it ring!

Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): Clem wasn’t that kind of stupid?
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): It sure was! Imagine a grown woman walking into my paintbrush!

Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): People don’t go around painting their mother!
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): Whistler did!
Pa Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan): She was on her rocker, you’re off yours!

[Pa Kadiddlehopper sends Clem to Beverly Hills to talk to Jed Clampett.]

[hearing that he’s making too much money]
Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen): Well, I could throw it away … but then I’d be competing with the government.

Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen): You wouldn’t be Clem Kadiddlehopper, would ya?
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): I wouldn’t if I had any choice!

Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen): I’m as nervous as a cow with a buck-toothed calf.

[Financial advisor recommends that Jed fund Clem in business, to lose money & reduce taxes.]

Act II

[Mrs. Gotloot comes into Jed’s jewelry store — Clem Kadiddlehopper, sales manager.]

Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): With every $100,000 purchase, we validate your parking.

[He beats her hand with a sledgehammer to make a ring fit better.]

Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): I’m a what?
Mrs Gotloot(Reeta Shaw): A nincompoop!
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): With my income, you’d be pooped too!

[Clem finally gets the ring off — by having her put her finger in her mouth. He hits her on the head with the sledgehammer! She swallows the ring, and loses her voice. Her henpecked husband is ecstatic, and cheerfully pays for the ring … and service.]

Act III

[three headaches later]

[Clem’s selling jewelry door to door.]

Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): That Hungarian actress bought some. Zsa …
Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen): Zsa Zsa?
Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton): That’s it! I can never remember her last name.

[seeing robbers across the street]

Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen): And if I’ shot, I’ll just hang on for Medicare.

[Clem sells jewelry to the bank robbers. The police come in, arrest the robbers … and Jed gets a $50,000 reward, increasing his tax bill even more!]

Classic Red Skelton Sketch

Learn to Dance – 10 easy lessons or 1 hard one

Red Skelton & Buddy Ebsen on stage

Buddy Ebsen tries to teach Red how to dance – Red fails & falls down. He tries a simpler step — Red falls down. Buddy tries to teach Red to sing “Jimmy Cracked Corn” — and falls down.

Buddy Ebseen: For a stand up comedian, you sure do fall down a lot!

Silent Spot

Red portrays Fumble the magician. The inept magician. Who keeps trying to drink beer on stage. He makes fun of various classics of magic — most of which end with producing a glass of beer, that his assistant keeps locking away.

Cast of characters

  • Clem Kadiddlehopper (Red Skelton)
  • Mr. Newton Gotloot (Phil Arnold)
  • Mrs. Gotloot (Reeta Shaw)
  • Paw Kadiddlehopper (Jan Arvan)
  • Maw Kadiddlehopper (John Benson)
  • Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen)
  • Secretary (Chanin Hale)
  • Jed Clampett’s Financial Advisor (James Millhollin)
  • Newsboy (Jerry Rannow)

Songs