New Years jokes by Red Skelton

A variety of New Years jokes, as told by Red on The Red Skelton Hour.

I’ve invented a new drink for New Year’s Eve – garlic and soda! It’s for people who don’t like to drink but want to wake up stinkin’!
People ask me what I’m doin’ for New Years. I answer, Nothin’! It comes in all on its own!
The little boy is watching his parents the day after New Years. His friend asks, what are they doin’? They’re celebratin’ St. Patrick’s Day! How can you tell? They is turnin’ green!
Two drunks are sitting at a bar. One turns to the other and says, once I’m done with this drink, I’m going home to the meanest, nastiest, ugliest woman in the world! The other drunk punches him! The first drunk gets up, and asks, what was that for? The other drunk answers, you’re cheating with my wife!
Heathcliffe and Gertrude are talking about New Years Eve. Heathcliffe says, come New Years Eve, I’m gonna have a Capistrano Special. Gertrude: Capistrano Special? What’s that? Heathcliffe: One swallow after another! (source: Monotony on the Bounty)
You know, New Years Eve is nothing but a night when people go out and drink a lot of booze, and they drink a lot of food, and go around and kissing other fellows’ wives …. And I can’t wait til it starts! (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)
You know, it was on New Years Eve that I met my wife Georgia, Little Red I call her, see. She walked by and I whistled, and she was a real lady, she helped me pick up my teeth. (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)

Last year I went to a New Years Eve party given by Jack Benny, you know, and he’s too stingy to buy noisemakers, so we did the next best thing. At the stroke of twelve everybody got together and we pulled an easy tape off each others’ chest. (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)
And you know out here they try to get real formal. They have a masquerade party at midnight, you know everybody takes their mask off. They do this so they don’t recognize each other. We get the same effect at home with three bottles of beer, and you meet a better class of people! (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)
At this one party I went to, a big movie star came in wearing nothing but a bikini. And John Wayne never looked sillier. (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)
There was one drunk walked up to me at a party one night, and he says, “I just found a way to solve and drown all of my troubles.” I says, “What did you do?” He says, “I put my wife in a leaky canoe.” (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)

Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the two seagulls, “Well, the New Year will soon be here. Are you making any resolutions?” He says, “Yes, I am. I promise that I will never fly over Sophia Loren’s house again when she’s taking a sunbath.” “Well, you never did that.” He said, “I know, but it gives me the feeling I’m giving up something.” (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)
I made four New Years resolutions this year. One, To pay for everything with cash. Two, Not to stay up late at night Three, Not to overeat, and Four, Not to pay any attention to the other three! (Will the Real Clara Appleby Shut Up?)