Christmas jokes by Red Skelton

Christmas jokes by Red Skelton - dealing with how people behave at Christmas, Santa Claus, and Christmas gifts

Christmas jokes by Red Skelton – dealing with how people behave at Christmas, Santa Claus, and Christmas gifts

Christmas

  • You know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping. Those department stores, I’ll tell ya, I love to watch the little kids talk to Santy Claus, you know. And everybody’s got the Christmas spirit, you know. Pedestrians, you get hit by a car, they don’t run over you, you know. They say, “Merry Christmas”, and then go on! (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
  • I saw a guy up on the freeway have an accident, and the ambulance came and the doctor jumped out, and he looked at the guy and said, “You’ve got a broken leg. You want that wrapped as a gift?” (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
  • You know, the Christmas spirit really fills your heart, but it really empties your pocketbook! (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)

Santa Claus

  • A little kid talking to Santa Claus: “Boy, Santy Claus, you sure got a good sense of humor! Last year I said to you, I want something I can pet, something that I can share with all the kids in the neighborhood, something that will crawl all over me that I can call ‘Spot’. And you did it! I got chicken pox.” (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
  • To all the little kids in the audience: You had better always believe in Santy Claus. Because a strange thing happens if you ever stop believing in Santy Claus. When Christmas comes, instead of dolls, games, and toys, you start finding under the tree — socks, shirts, and underwear. (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
  • Two more kids are talking. One of the kids says, “I just wrote a letter to Santy Claus. I think I’m going to have a pretty lousy Christmas, because all I can spell is Rat, Cat, Hat, and Bat.” The other kid says, “Well, all I know about that old bloodshot blimp is he brings you things according to how good you have been.” The other kid says, “Really? Boy, I got a feeling all I’m gonna find in my socking this year is my foot!” (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)

Christmas gifts