Christmas jokes by Red Skelton

Christmas jokes by Red Skelton – dealing with how people behave at Christmas, Santa Claus, and Christmas gifts

Christmas

You know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping. Those department stores, I’ll tell ya, I love to watch the little kids talk to Santy Claus, you know. And everybody’s got the Christmas spirit, you know. Pedestrians, you get hit by a car, they don’t run over you, you know. They say, “Merry Christmas”, and then go on! (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
I saw a guy up on the freeway have an accident, and the ambulance came and the doctor jumped out, and he looked at the guy and said, “You’ve got a broken leg. You want that wrapped as a gift?” (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
You know, the Christmas spirit really fills your heart, but it really empties your pocketbook! (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
You notice how a lot of the kids this year, they did extra work to earn money? I know one little fellow in Beverly Hills, he delivered papers for five weeks. But he skipped every Thursday and Sunday, because that was the chauffeurs day off! (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)
There was one little teenager came up to my door, and he says, “Mr. Skelton, for a dollar I can promise you that on Christmas there will be forty boys with changing voices to sing Christmas carols on your lawn. And for five dollars I can promise you that they won’t!”(Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)

A little kid talking to Santa Claus: “Boy, Santy Claus, you sure got a good sense of humor! Last year I said to you, I want something I can pet, something that I can share with all the kids in the neighborhood, something that will crawl all over me that I can call ‘Spot’. And you did it! I got chicken pox.” (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
To all the little kids in the audience: You had better always believe in Santy Claus. Because a strange thing happens if you ever stop believing in Santy Claus. When Christmas comes, instead of dolls, games, and toys, you start finding under the tree — socks, shirts, and underwear. (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)
Two more kids are talking. One of the kids says, “I just wrote a letter to Santy Claus. I think I’m going to have a pretty lousy Christmas, because all I can spell is Rat, Cat, Hat, and Bat.” The other kid says, “Well, all I know about that old bloodshot blimp is he brings you things according to how good you have been.” The other kid says, “Really? Boy, I got a feeling all I’m gonna find in my socking this year is my foot!” (The Fastest Cuspidor in the West)

I saw a doll they were selling for $902.00. $2.00 for the doll, and $900 for the clothes! The toy department clerk asked me if I ever saw anything like it? Saw it? I married her! (Down the Old Chisolm Trail with the Old Chiseler)
I got my wife a bathing suit for Christmas. She exchanged it for something topless — a convertible! (Down the Old Chisolm Trail with the Old Chiseler)
Welcome to our Christmas show. I got some wonderful presents this year. Georgia gave me some Johnson’s Wax, a can of Misola, some Liquid Swan, and a carton of Marlboros. That’s not what she really gave me, but that’s the way the rewrite came back from the sponsors! (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)
[Georgia] was walking around all month, holding our her little finger as a hint, see. I got the message. So I got her a nail clipper! (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)
Valentina wanted something to drive, you know how kids are in school. “I want something to drive!” So I got her something. A nail! (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)
Someone gave me an unusual gift. It’s a membership to an outfit like Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, but this one has to do with Traveling Anonymous. When you’re out of town and your lonesome, and you want that touch of home – you call up, and they send a woman over and she nags ya! (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)

(Updated June 26, 2021)