Weather jokes by Red Skelton, from his opening monologue on The Red Skelton Show
- Do you know the difference between climate and weather in California? Climate is what brings the tourists out to California, and the weather is what drives them back!
- The weather’s been really cold. Down in Palm Springs it was so cold the other morning, I started to take the garbage out and it refused to go!
- And when the wind blows down there, it’s really murder. Then it comes from the South, that’s when it’s cold. And you can always tell a south wind, it goes “ooooo, you all!”
- For a month, Georgia has been asking for one of those frozen food lockers, and I gave her one the other morning. It was the living room.
- It was amazing how things get real cold when it’s a bit chilly out here, especially spoons. The other day I put my spoon down in the breakfast cereal, and it’s the first time I ever heard it go — snap, crackle, and whoops!
- And people do the craziest things when it’s cold. Like I know one guy that drives around with a Rolls Royce convertible with the top down. I said, “Boy, you’re gonna pick up something”, and he did. Two blondes and a redhead! But he was rather disappointed — they were colder than the weather! (source: Absence Makes the Hate Grow Fonder)
- The weather out here’s just great. I was walking up the street and a fella says, “Hey, that’s a nice blue serge suit you got on.” I says, “It’s a white Palm Beach – that’s me showing through.” (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)
- They’re awful touchy out here about their weather. The Chamber of Commerce said to me, he says, “If you don’t get on the air and tell everybody how warm it is out here, I’ll stab you with an icicle!” (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)
- The weather back East, did you hear about this, was really freezing. There was one football game where it was so cold, when the team went in for a huddle, they didn’t come out again. (Freddie and the Yuletide Doll)