Clara and Me and Mama Makes Three – in The Red Skelton Hour, George Appleby & wife Clara are on a game show to find their perfect match!
Clara and Me and Mama Makes Three – The Red Skelton Hour season 18 with Jane Wyman, originally aired November 26, 1968
Monologue
Thanksgiving
- Thanksgiving’s coming. You know, when the Pilgrims came, all they found was berries and nuts, and now there’s no berries.
- The first Thanksgiving was over 300 years ago and the Pilgrims sat down to this dinner with the Indians and they said, We’ll always live together in peace. We’ll always share and share alike. And that’s were the Indians got the expression, Set and Bull.
- I took all my relatives to a restaurant for a Thanksgiving dinner, and and the end of the meal, right at the restaurant, I said two words that brought tears to their eyes. Not “Happy Thanksgiving”, but “Separate checks”.
Turkeys
- Yesterday I saw a lot of picket signs, and heard these voices. We won’t go, we won’t go, we won’t go. And who do you think it was? Turkeys.
- One Thanksgiving, I invited David Rose’s orchestra over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner, and I says, Everybody’s got to bring something with feathers. One guy brought a duck, another guy brought a chicken, another guy brought a turkey, and Don Ferris brought a piano player but the piano player brought a fan dancer!
- Hey, did you hear about the turkey ranch that hired this new farm hand? So he’d walk over there before. He walked up to a turkey, he’d say, Are you a turkey? He goes boom! [acts out swinging a hatchet], off go the head. Said, Are you a turkey? Boom, off go the head. One old turkey standing there watching this, see, He walks over and says, Are you a turkey? Turkey went, Oink, oink
- Hey, you know, I’m in a turkey business. Did you know what? I mean besides this. No, a fellow down in Palm Springs with me, we make a lot of money selling turkeys. Well, they’re not exactly turkeys. See, I go over to his filling station and get sparrows and use the air hose.’Course, that ain’t gonna last long, you’ll get wind of it.
- Two turkeys were talking, one of them says, For Thanksgiving I’ve been invited over to Sophia Lauren’s house, think I’ll have any fun? The other one says, If you don’t lose your head, yeah.
Butchers
- Now the price of turkey, boy that’s really something. I feel stupid going into the butcher shop these days. I feel like a dumb dumb buying my din din. You know what they’re getting for turkeys is? 65 cents a pound. 65 cents a pound! Can you imagine what we’d get for Jackie Gleason if he had feathers?
- Fortunately though, we have one of those honest butchers. He lost his thumb in the war. I went into the butcher and I say, I want the biggest turkey in town! He said, You got it every Tuesday night! [Editor’s note: when The Red Skelton Show played] He says, You’ll have to settle for the second biggest turkey in town. I married the first!
Gertrude and Heathcliff
Gertrude and Heathcliff, the two seagulls. Heathcliff is walking along the beach and he finds this porcelain egg. So he takes it up and he slips it under Gertrude while she’s asleep. So she wakes up and she says, Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness! He says, What’s the matter? She says, I’m a bricklayer!
Clara and Me and Mama Makes Three – Act I
Henpecked George Appleby is busy with the various home chores. A very funny routine, with lots of prop comedy!
Then, his mother-in-law comes home — and sits in the freshly-painted chair! But she has news — she’s arranged for her daughter Clara to appear on the “Meet Your Mate” game show, and possibly win $3,000 and a vacation to Tahiti! But she has to pretend that she & George aren’t married — which George is fine with!
Clara and Me and Mama Makes Three – Act II
The the game show, there are three male contestants, and three females. And George takes delight in cracking up one of his fellow contestants. Repeatedly, and often! For the actual game show, the contestants have to act out scenarios. The first one has George pretending to come home to his lovely wife Beverly Powers after a year, and Clara acts as their maid. And when the couple goes to kiss, Clara “accidentally” inserts the feather duster between the couple! Then the ladies switch roles, George comes in and … Kisses the maid! Getting him a hit to the head by Clara.
Then, they switch roles, and one of the other men pretends to be hopelessly in love with Clara. And George misunderstands, and kisses him! Then, there’s an extended kiss between him and Clara. And despite all logic, the computer decides that George and Clara are the perfect couple! They win the money, as well as the honeymoon in Tahiti! But … Clara’s mother is coming along as the chaperone!
Classic Red Skelton – The Eyes Have It
Cauliflower McPugg goes in for an examination. With a near-sighted optometrist! A very funny sketch, that turns into a Tide commercial.
Artists and Models
A very funny sketch, where Red is a painter – who delights in insulting people. It’s a remake of the same sketch that he did way back in Willie and the Burglar. But very funny, with quite a few bits of new humor. Poor Ida Mae McKenzie’s the butt of a variety of fat jokes. Then, one of his paintings keeps falling off the wall – he he paints a hook, and hangs it on that! He does an extended phone call bit, resulting in a beautiful model coming over. He then mixes us paint — that’s more like clay. And first, he threatens the camera with it! Then, he goes into the audience, threatening them! Finally, before he can hit the audience member, the stooge pushes it back in his own face!
The Silent Spot – A Wet Thanksgiving
A very funny skit, as Red is trying to prepare the Thanksgiving turkey. But his roof is leaking like a sieve!
Songs
- The Vogues sing ‘Turn Around, Look at Me‘ and ‘Five O’Clock World.’
- The Tom Hansen Dancers perform ‘Waiting for the Robert E. Lee.’
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton (Whistling in the Dark; Merton of the Movies) … Self – Host / George Appleby / Gertrude and Heathcliffe / Husband-Silent Spot
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Eve Brent (The Green Mile) … Wife / Silent Spot
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … Announcer / Game Show Emcee
- Ida Mae McKenzie … Mrs. Crowley – Clara’s Mother
- Inga Neilsen (A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum) … Neighbor
- Beverly Powers (The Comedy of Terrors) … Artist’s Model
- Michael Stefani … Tom Clark
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
- The Vogues … Guest Vocalists
- Jane Wyman (All That Heaven Allows; The Lost Weekend) … Clara Crowley Appleby