The Story of Helen of Troy or Don’t Look a Wooden Gift Horse in the Mouth – The Red Skelton Hour season 18, originally aired January 21, 1969
Monologue
Don’t Look a Wooden Gift Horse in the Mouth – Act I
Clem daydreams that he’s back in the time of Helen of Troy, and he’s offered his services to her as a slave! Helen, and her husband – the elderly King Menelaus – aren’t quite sure what to do with him. After Clem uses a guard’s spear (and toupee!) as a mop, he’s no good for cleaning. Or as a discus thrower. So, they decide to make him a bodyguard. Just in time for the soldiers of Paris to arrive, and “kidnap” Helen! You’ve never seen a woman so eager to be kidnapped! What about her bodyguard, Clem? The only body he’s guarding is his own!
Don’t Look a Wooden Gift Horse in the Mouth – Act II
King Menelaus sends Clem inside the Trojan Horse, to rescue Helen of Troy? Not only that, Clem succeeds, and he’s rescued Helen — and disguised her as a soldier! There’s a funny routine where one of the soldiers discovers them, and thinks there’s something wrong with that new recruit. Are you wearing perfume, soldier? But first King Menelaus arrives, then Paris — and it’s a battle between Paris and … Clem? Clem’s losing, but the two take a moment to recreate it in slow motion! Finally, Helen grabs the weapon and defeats Paris, rescuing herself, and ending the sketch.
Olio Spot – Swami
In the Swami, sketch, Red plays a loudmouth husband and his wife, going to a vaudeville show, where they’re “sneaking” on stage to visit the Swami. He levitates in, and offers to share his knowledge. To show his power, he has the wife enter a booth, and makes her vanish! Red’s quite happy with this, until the Swami is about to bring her back! So he shoots him!
Pop’s Pop Stand
In Pop’s Pop Stand, Red’s old man character, Pops, is running a food stand. He’s just returning from a fishing trip with his catch to make fish chowder. And the fish keep popping up everywhere, including his chef’s hat! But, there’s a problem – a new restaurant has opened up next door, and they’re taking his customers! What to do? Cut his prices until he drives the competitor out of business — and then raise the prices through the roof!
But wait! The competitor’s not done yet! He’s hired a topless waitress! Not to be outdone, Pops starts stripping down — thankfully a police officer comes by and arrests him first, ending the skit!
Songs
- Down Here on the Ground sung by Lou Rawls
- On Broadway sung by Lou Rawls with the Tom Hansen Dancers
- Cinderella Rockafella – performed by Carol Lawrence and the Tom Hansen Dancers
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / Pop / Gertrude and Heathcliffe / Husband-Olio Spot
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Jan Arvan (20 Million Miles to Earth) … … King Menelaus / Lunch-Wagon Owner-Silent Spot
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Ross Ford (The Fuller Brush Man; Blondie’s Reward) … Paris
- Art Gilmore … Announcer (voice)
- Tim Herbert (Soylent Green) … Swami-Olio Spot
- Bern Hoffman (Li’l Abner) … Trojan Soldier / Hot Dog Customer — Silent Spot
- Carol Lawrence (Kiss Me Kate 1968) … Self / Helen of Troy / Daisy June
- Ida Mae McKenzie (Shirley Temple’s Storybook) … Wife-Olio Spot
- Lou Rawls (Dial M for Moron) … Self – Guest Vocalist, Swami in the Olio Spot
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves