How Stupid is Cupid, The Red Skelton Hour, season 15, with Paul Ford. Originally aired September 14, 1965
In How Stupid is Cupid, Clem Kadiddlehopper falls in love with a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Monologue | How Stupid of Cupid | Songs | Silent Spot | Quotes | Cast
Monologue
Hair we go again
- Pardon me while I comb my hair. I’m gonna do it while I can; I don’t think it’ll be long, boy. You know, years ago I used to have very long hair, it was a long wave, you see. Then it got to be a short wave. Now the tide’s slowly going out …
- [Parting his hair as he combs it] I like to put a little alley in the old block, you know. That little alley is slowly becoming a parking lot!
- I said to my wife, Little Red, I said, “Hey, our show’s going to be in color, and I’m dying to be in color.” She says, “With your hair, you better start dyeing!”
- This is the natural color, though, so help me Hannah. (henna)
- No, the makeup department wanted me to go down today and have my skull dyed.
Texas
- Anybody here from Texas? You can always tell a Texan. Not much, but you can tell ’em.
- There’s a place to visit, if you’ve never been to Texas before. If you name it, they’ve got it. If you name it, they ain’t got it, you didn’t need it no how.
- They’ve got miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles.
- Three days, I was driving for three days, and finally my wife said, “Where are we?” I says, “I don’t know.” She says, “What’s that?” I says, “The horizon.” She says, “We’ll head for that. It’s better than nothing.”
- Finally we came to one little tree. One little tree, and my dog rubbed his eyes. He thought it was a mirage.
- Everything’s big down there. I saw a flea with four dogs on him.
Traffic ticket
- And I got my first traffic ticket down there. I got a ticket for speeding, see. I’m driving, now there’s nothing, just an open road. I don’t see nothing. There ain’t nothing. I don’t see nothing, see. Then all of a sudden, I see them. One great big red light, like Dean Martin winking.
- Oh, and was this officer mad! He came over to my car, opened the door, threw it away!
- Great big bruiser — muscles, you know, and needed a shave …. And you should have seen seen the fella that was with her!
- I said, “Ranger …”. I was trying to win them over, you see, I said, “Ranger, I was going pretty fast,” I said, “I’ve got a tiger in my tank.” He said, “You got a jackass behind the wheel.”
- He says, “Well, according to this license, you should be wearing glasses.” I said, “I’m wearing contacts.” He says, “I don’t care who you know, you’re supposed to wear glasses!”
- I heard two Texans talking. One says, “Do you believe in Buddha?” And the other says, “Yeah, I believe in Buddha …. But I like margarine just as well!”
- When people come out West, they want everyone to think they’re Texans too, so they get one of those ten gallon hats for their five gallon heads, see, so with hat in mind, I’d like to show you a typical guy from the East going down to Texas … [leads into pantomime]
How Stupid of Cupid
Act I
Clem Kadiddlehopper comes home … Having graduated from college? Yes, he’s graduated from Window Washing State! Having assaulted his mother with an anchor from his hand car (?!?), he reveals that he earned a B.S. Bachelor of Squeegee. After a running gag of knocking his mother back into the hole, following the Rule of Three, a telegram arrives. There’s a window washing job waiting for Clem in the “big city”. So off he goes, and the welcoming townspeople turn around their welcome signs to read “Get Lost”, etc.
Act II
In the city, Clem is washing the window on a high office building. He steps back to admire his work …. And falls! While he’s climbing back up, the audience sees that its the office of a theatrical agent, where the world’s worst ventriloquist is auditioning. He’s Quincy Quiverlips (Paul Ford), with his female dummy, Prunella. “Where are you living in New York City?” “At the corner of Hickory and Dickory.” “Where’s that?” (all three) “Down by the dock.”
He’s so bad, that the poor agent flees. And Quincy decides to end it all. He lays Prunellaa on a couch, and prepares to jump to his death. Thankfully, Clem has climbed back up by this point …
There’s a funny bit, as Clem puts on his safety harness, but he’s facing the wrong way. Where’d the building go? As Quincy opens the window to jump out, Clem keeps washing — and soaps up poor Quincy’s face! “I’m even a failure at suicide! Even if I jumped out the window, I’d fall up.” Quincy leaves to dry off his lip, and Clem tries to get back to work. He goes to throw the water out the window …. But throws it backward, soaking the dummy. Clem think’s he’s drowned a lady, and gives her mouth to mouth resuscitation. It’s the first time his lips have touched a woman’s … And he’s in love!
Wedding Bells?
Clem is pumping “her” leg to get the water out — resulting in soap bubbles! After a few minutes of funny play with the soap bubbles, Quincy comes back in. Clem wants to marry her!?!
Quincy is going to stop the wedding — until Clem mentions the five hundred dollars his Pa plans to pay to Clem’s wife!
Act III
Back at the Kadiddlehopper farm, Ma and Pa are wondering why they haven’t heard from Clem in three weeks.
Clem comes home and, after knocking his poor mother out the window, announces his upcoming marriage!
Clem: I’m getting married.
Pa: [surprised] To a girl?
Ma: A girl what?
After Clem knocks his mother over, Pa asks him to help her back up. “No sir, I don’t have nothing to do with fallen women.” But, the wedding proceeds apace. Pa is counting out the five hundred dollars into Quincy’s hand …. Then takes it back, until after the wedding!
After some back and forth with the Justice of the Peace, Clem is ready for the wedding to Prunella, the ventriloquist’s dummy. But she falls to pieces during the ceremony — literally!
“Usually, the bride don’t fall apart ’til after the wedding!”
On Stage
Red and Paul Ford joke with each other, making sure to plug their (respective) new movies: Never Too Old, Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines.
Songs
- Freddie and the Dreamers perform A Little You and I’m Telling You Now.
- The Tom Hansen Dancers perform What’s New Pussycat?
Silent Spot
Red and Sheila Rogers play a bickering married couple returning home from vacation. First, they have to deal with he cab. Then, Red has to juggle the luggage. Then, they’re trying to enter the wrong house! But after the neighbor calls the police, they find the way to their own house next door. the remainder of the skit is similar to the Season 1 episode, Willy Comes Home, as they deal with a pile of milk bottles. Since Red didn’t cancel the milk delivery. For younger readers, yes – a milkman used to deliver milk to the house. And, the huge pile of newspapers, since that wasn’t cancelled either. And, the flooding of the house, since they left the water running!
Quotes
Clem: I was going to make her Mrs. Kadiddlehopper.
Quincy: Mrs. Kadiddlehopper? Why, nobody would marry a dummy!
Clem: You don’t have to tell her that! Let her find it out for herself on the honeymoon, like other wives do.
Ma Kadiddlehopper: Pa, you don’t suppose our little boy fell out of one of them tall buildings?
Pa Kadiddlehopper: No, no we would have heard about that …. Good news travels fast!
Justice of the Peace: Did you get a license?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: There it is right there.
Justice of the Peace: Why, this is a fishing license!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Well, I got hooked, didn’t I?
Cast
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Clem Kadiddlehopper / Gertrude and Heathcliffe
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Jan Arvan (20 Million Miles to Earth) … Pa Kadiddlehopper
- Frankie Darro … Maw Kadiddlehopper (in drag)
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Paul Ford (The Music Man) … Quincy Quiverlips
- Freddie & The Dreamers … Themselves – Guest Vocalists
- Art Gilmore … Announcer (voice)
- Sheila Rogers … Wife / Silent Spot
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
- Bonnie Evans … Dancer
- Garrett Lewis … Dancer
- Currie Pederson … Dancer