In Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of George Appleby, George’s old fraternity brother, Mike Connors, visits. But George fears that he and Clara are going to kill him for insurance money!
Monologue | Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of George Appleby | Blackout Sketches | Jokes | Songs
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of George Appleby – The Red Skelton Hour season 17 with Mike Connors, Emmaline Henry, Tom Jones, originally aired March 12, 1968
Monologue
- I took two airplane trips to New York; my first and last.
- When I was in New York, I went up to the Macy’s department store and somebody recognized me. And the next thing there were hundreds of people around me, and then the squad cars came and I didn’t believe it, but it’s the last time I ever steal a pocketbook.
Airplane jokes
- I love to fly, though, I like to fly. It gives you a couple of hours to talk to people while you wait for your luggage.
- You know, when I fly, I always fly now and pay later. You know why? If anything happens to the airline, who do you think they’re gonna save first?
- I was telling my wife, Little Red, I said, “You know, I’m a little suspicious about this airline. I’m not too sure about it because they got their tickets printed on a parachute.”
- You know, another thing made it look suspicious. They had a three man flight crew, and one of ’em was a priest.
- The clerk says to me, “Do you want to go by jet?” You know what a jet is? That’s something that moves ahead by hot air. You know what it is? You voted for him?
- Well, boy, this plane was really slow. Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be flying 5,000 feet in the air, and and somebody passed, and it was The Flying Nun?
- Hey, I was on an airplane once, I got the scare of my life. I’m on the plane and a voice comes on, “This is a recording. You’re flying at 40,000 feet. You have no crew. You are being flown by automatic pilot. We assure you that everything is safe. Everything has been scientifically worked out, and nothing can go wrong … go wrong … go wrong …”
- Two drunks at the airport, one of them says to the other, “Did you know our flight to the moon has been cancelled?” “Why, bad weather?” “No, the moon is full.”
Gertrude and Heathcliffe
- Heathcliffe says, “I got a riddle for you. What goes, ‘oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy’? Gertrude replies, “I don’t know; what goes ‘oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy’?” Heathcliffe answers, “A boy centipede watching a girl centipede in a miniskirt.”
- The two seagulls are talking, Gertrude and Heathcliffe. He says, “Did you hear about Peter the Rabbit? He went to the dentist, but they wouldn’t give him any Novocain.” She says, “Why wouldn’t they give him any Novocain?” “It’s because Peter is an ether bunny.”
Red concludes with a pantomime of various people boarding an airplane.
Act I – Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of George Appleby
Amid Clara’s normal insults, George is cleaning up the house. His old fraternity brother from college, Henry, is coming for a visit. Clara’s talking about how weak and puny he is — until the doorbell rings, and the handsome and athletic Henry comes in! With George’s permission, he gives her a passionate kiss, and Clara’s clearly smitten with the handsome Henry. He tries to sell George some stocks, but George isn’t interested.
While George goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments (despite a stubborn door), Henry tries to convince Clara of the need for stocks, in case George suffers an accident in the home. As the two are talking about various ways George could get killed in the home, George eavesdrops and thinks they’re talking about killing him! He’s planning on leaving, so when Clara asks him, he says he’s going to take a short trip. What a great idea! They can all go camping! And Henry brought his gun, so he can do a little hunting …
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of George Appleby – Act II
Once the trio arrives at the campground, George is understandably nervous. And he keeps trying to sneak away, unsuccessfully. Clara hits him on the chest, but hurts her hand! Is it the iron in George’s blood? No, he’s wearing a protective armor breastplate! After some bantering, Clara goes off fishing, and Henry goes hunting, leaving George alone with his paranoia. Until …
A sexy camp counselor comes by, and after a moment, embraces George in a long, protracted kiss. Which he milks for all the comedy he can get! After she leaves, Henry and Clara comes back, and George thinks he’s been shot! After milking that, Henry explains that Clara loves George, and just bought $10,000 work of stock with her own money. All’s well — and then Alice comes back with her boy campers, and takes Henry captive with her smile! George follows, and Clara threatens to shoot him, ending the sketch.
Classic Red Skelton Sketch
Willy Lump Lump as “The Ambulance Driver” from season 2. A very funny, extended sketch.
Quick Blackout Sketches – 1 minute comedy
- Red Skelton and Mike Connors as Stanley and Livingston. “Take me back to England? I don’t make house calls!”
- The Rescue – can anyone do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
- Football – go out there and make the school proud!
Silent Spot
In the Silent Spot, Red portrays the trials and tribulations of a guy with car troubles. It’s a very funny bit, demonstrating visually that anything that can go wrong, will! First he has car trouble, then when his car door falls off, he throws it in anger – giving the front tire a flat! He holds up a lit match to the exhaust, causing a small engine fire! Then, another flat. Then, his car horn is stuck! He throws it away — and hits a bear! He and the bear start fighting, tearing pieces of the car off to attack each other with! Eventually, he gives up, gets into the boat trailer behind the car … And rows it away!
Act I Jokes
- Clara Appleby: George Appleby, you put that dirt back where it belongs!
George Appleby: Okay, open your mouth. - George Appleby: Well, what do you think I am?
Clara Appleby: C’mon, give me a clue. Animal, mineral, or vegetable?
George Appleby: Mineral! Because I had rocks in my head when I asked you to marry me. I had to get stoned to go through with it.
Act II Jokes
- George Appleby: Why don’t you just ask Clara what the weather is? Some guy calls the house all the time and says “The coast is clear”.
- Henry Pringle: George, why are you wearing a suit of armor?
George Appleby: Because if I wore a dress of armor, people would talk! - [talking about George’s protective suit of armor]
George Appleby: I need it. It protects me from mosquitos.
Henry Pringle: George, there aren’t any mosquitos within 30 miles of this place.
George Appleby: See how well it works?
Songs
Tom Jones sings ‘Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?‘, then joins the Tom Hansen Dancers and the Alan Copeland Singers in production numbers ‘Mohair Sam‘ and ‘You Came a Long Way From St. Louis.’
Cast of characters
- Red Skelton (Whistling in the Dark; DuBarry Was a Lady) … Self – Host / George Appleby / Gertrude and Heathcliffe / Motorist-Silent Spot
- The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
- Mike Connors … Self / Henry Pringle
- Jimmy Cross (The Amazing Colossal Man) … Bit Role in Silent Spot
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Bob Duggan … Bit Role in Silent Spot
- Art Gilmore … Self – Announcer (voice)
- Emmaline Henry (I Dream of Jeanie) … Clara Appleby
- Tom Jones (The Emperor’s New Groove) … Self – Musical Guest
- Beverly Powers (The Comedy of Terrors) … Camp Counselor / Billboard Lady
- Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
- Alton Ruff (Dial M for Moron) … Dancer (uncredited)