Gertrude and Heathcliffe's animal friends

Gertrude and Heathcliffe’s animal friends. Jokes from Red Skelton’s opening monologue on The Red Skelton Show

Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the two seagulls, were talking. He said, “You know, everyone’s getting into politics. The Liberty Bell’s got a duck in it.” She says, “There’s a duck in the Liberty Bell? How do you know?” He said, “Well, everybody says it’s got a quack in it.” (source: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Dumb)
Gertrude and Heathcliffe: “Did you hear what happened to Willie the Duck?” He says, “No, what happened to Willie the Duck?” She said, “He flew upside down and quacked up.”
There were two seagulls talking. He says, “Um, Gertrude?” She says, “Yes, Heathcliff?” He says, “I’m disgusted with that duck’s kid next door. That duck’s kid is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. He’s a blockhead. He’s a blockhead! That’s what that duck’s kid is, a blockhead.” She says, “Well, what did you expect? She married a decoy.” (source: A Spy is a Peeping Tom on Salary)
Gertrude and Heathcliffe, the two seagulls. She says, “Did you hear what happened to Polly the parrot? She’s going to marry a duck.” “She’s gonna marry a duck? What on Earth would a parrot want with a duck?” She says, “I don’t know. Maybe Polly wants a quacker.” (Loafer Come Back to Me)
Gertrude: Did you hear that Homer the Duck’s wife is divorcing him. Heathcliffe: No! Why? Gertrude: After all these years, she realized she can’t stand quackers in bed!

They were waiting for their friend, the sparrow. The little sparrow comes in, he didn’t have a feather on him. Comes in walking people-towed. He says, “What happened?” The sparrow says, “Oh, you’ll never believe it. I was flying too low over London and I got into the damnedest badminton game you ever saw.” (source: A Royal Command Performance)
Heathcliffe: Did you hear what happened to Cleopatra the Canary? She flew in the meat grinder. Gertrude: She flew in the meat grinder? For heavens sake, what came out? He said: Shredded Tweet. (source: A Beauty Can Skin You Deep)
Gertrude and Heathcliffe: You know, I wish I had a bigger bill. I’d be a stork, deliver babies, and make a lot of money. Gertrude: No, storks deliver babies, but it’s doctors who have the big bills! (Be It Ever So Homely, There’s No Face Like Clem)
Gertrude: Guess what? On the way here, I saw a yellow-bellied road runner. Heathcliffe: Is that a bird? Gertrude: No, a California pedestrian! (Brats in your Belfry)
He says, “Gertrude, did you head about Willie the skunk marrying Polly the parrot?” She says, “Willie the skunk married Polly the parrot?” He says, “Yeah, now that’s the only kid in the world, that skunk can say – “Sorry about that”. (Hippie Days are Here Again)

Gertrude and Heathcliffe, two seagulls. Heathcliffe: “Say, did you hear that Buzzy the Bee is known as the Don Juan of the insect world?” She says, “No! Why is he known as the Don Juan of the insect world, old Buzzy the Bee?” “Because everywhere he goes, he gets a little honey.” (source: Sweet Smell of Failure)
Gertrude: Did you hear about about happened at the zoo? Heathcliffe: No, what? Gertrude:The mamma kangaroo that adopted the baby monkey? She threw him out! Heathcliffe:I can’t say I’m surprised. How would you like to have someone bounce a coconut against your stomach wall all day? (Somebody Down Here Hates Me)
Gertrude and Heathcliff, the two seagulls, are talking. “Did you hear what happened to Peter the Rabbit?” “No, what happened to Peter the Rabbit?” “He resigned from the bunny club.” She said, “He resigned from the bunny club? No fooling?” “That’s why he resigned, yes.” (Our Man Fink)

Gertrude and Heathcliffe’s animal friends