Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It – The Red Skelton Show, season 9, originally aired March 1, 1960 with guest star Mae West
Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It is a parody of the interview show Person to Person (1953). Mae West has written her autobiography, “Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It“. In her interview, she tells about the three men she intentionally left out of her autobiography: Cauliflower McPugg, San Fernando Red, and Clem Kadiddlehopper.
- As you know tonight, our guest star is Mae West. She’s just written a book, “Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It”. And I have to, everyone’s writing books now, I wrote one. It’s a Man Man cookbook. It’s called, “How to Serve Your Fellow Man”.
- You know what’s wonderful about someone like Mae West, with all the glamour and everything, you know what women have to go through to make themselves glamourous. Now for instance, you take my wife …. Would you? No, I’m kidding, we’re very much in love, but she’s very vain, Georgia is very fain. But especially wearing glasses. I’ve seen her on the highway get out and feel for the white line.
- But you know, to stay healthy you’ve got to have some kind of a sport to take you outdoors. And for this, I’d like to do an imitation of a little old man playing golf. [leading to a funny pantomime]
Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It
Mae West is doing an interview with the fictional “Face the Author” TV show. Her book, “Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It” had just come out at the time. After some back-and-forth with the host, he talks her into telling about some of the characters she left out of the book. Including …
Mae West and Cauliflower McPugg
Mae West “needed a ‘Mr. America’ type for my act. I needed a man with muscles …. Someone strong, handsome, and romantic.” But she went to the gym where Cauliflower McPugg was cleaning up! He’s sweeping under an athletic young man, as he’s doing push-ups. After clowning around with the broom, and a very funny clown routine with the weighs, Mae West comes in. She’s auditioning for a muscular man for her show, but Cauliflower keeps trying to muscle in on the audition — unsuccessfully.
Mae West and Clem Kadiddlehopper
After telling the host she’s not attracted to clumsy men, “someone awkward, stumbling, and fumbling.” So we flash back to Clem Kadiddlehopper! He’s working as a bell hop in a fancy hotel. And, true to form, he’s driving his poor supervisor crazy. And then enters Mae West.
After some verbal jousting with her, Clem is ordered to take her bags upstairs. And, Clem manages to break the elevator! A bit of unplanned prop humor …
Mae West and San Fernando Red
San Fernando Red is the captain of a riverboat, the “slickest sharpshooter” that Mae West ever met. The skit begins with San Fernando about to play cards with a Frenchman. A game of blackball … that is, Black Jack! He promptly cheats the man, Mae West comes in. Despite being warned by Frenchy, she sits down to play cards with San Fernando Red anyway. Despite his best attempts at cheating, she wins the hand with her feminine wiles. And she holds San Fernando’s head to her …. And the cards in his hand fly straight up!
The show ends with Red Skelton, as himself, doing a funny interview with Mae West. It concludes with Mae singing, “It’s Nice to Have a Man Around the House”.
- Red Skelton … Self / Cauliflower McPugg / San Fernando Red / Clem Kadiddlehopper
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Art Gilmore … – Announcer
- Reg Lewis (Colossus of the Stone Age, Public Pigeon Number One) … Athlete
- William Schallert (The Patty Duke Show, The Man from Planet X) … Charles Copeland, host of “Meet the Author”
- The Skelton Dancers … Themselves
- Mae West (My Little Chickadee) … Herself
Cauliflower McPugg: You’re like that wrestler I know, Joe. Every night he sets up with his wife and kids and watches the television. Heh.
Athlete: What’s wrong with that?
Cauliflower McPugg: He ain’t got no wife and kids! Come to think of it, he don’t got a television set. I know — I fixed it for him three times.
Mae West: [to Cauliflower] I’d tell you to get lost, but I’m afraid you’d find your way back.
Hotel manager: You idiot, I almost swallowed that pen!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Yeah, you could have autographed your own liver!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: [to the hotel manager] There’s something phony with the bridal suite. They don’t have any horses up there!
Hotel manager: There aren’t supposed to be horses up there!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Then how come you rent ’em to a groom?
Hotel manager: Get those valises to the 12th floor.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Not me! I walked up to the 12th floor already, and those stairs are murder!
Hotel manager: Don’t be an idiot, why didn’t you take the stairs?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: The elevator’s heavier than the valises!
Hotel Manager: Good heavens, man, why do you think we have an elevator in this building going up and down?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Because it doesn’t go sideways!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: [to Mae West] Did anyone ever tell you, you look like Mae West?
Mae West: Thanks. Anyone ever tell you, you look like Red Skelton?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Let’s not get insulting about it!
Mae West: What’s your name?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I’m Clem Kadiddlehopper.
Mae West. Don’t get vulgar.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: No, Vulgar Kadiddlehopper is my cousin!
San Fernando Red
Charles Copeland: What is this hidden power you have over men?
Mae West: I didn’t know it was hidden.
San Fernando Red: [greeting a Frenchman] Always glad to meet a Texan.
Frenchman: I am a Frenchman from Cannes.
San Fernando Red: What will they think of next? Canned Frenchman!
Frenchman: [after San Fernando has cheated him at cards] I smell something fishy around here!
San Fernando Red: Must be coming in to the shrimp boats.
San Fernando Red: How about a little game of cards here? What’s your pleasure?
Mae West: Never mind.
San Fernando Red: We’ll play a little draw poker here.
Mae West: But keep your hands out of the drawer.
San Fernando Red: How many cards would you like?
Mae West: I like what I got.
San Fernando Red: So do I, but how many cards?
San Fernando Red: There’s something crooked about this game – this ain’t the hand I dealt myself!