How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump?

Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Schultz, and Freddie the Freeloader depending on Freddie's survival skills in "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down in the Dump?"

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump? aka. Freddie’s Heroes, The Red Skelton Hour, season 16, with Bob Crane and John Banner

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump?, set in Europe during World War II, Freddie the Freeloader is assigned to help Colonel Hogan (Hogan’s Heroes), who has escaped Stalag 13, until he can be rescued.

Monologue | How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in the Dump | On Stage | Silent Spot | Cast | Quotes

Monologue

The Draft

  • You know, I just saw an interesting thing in the newspaper, they’re going to draft women. My wife, Georgia, told me about this. She said, according to the paper, women may be in the draft. Well, I said, with those short skirts, no wonder!
  • I think it’d be awful if women were drafted into the Army. I don’t think it would look nice to have George Hamilton’s mother going in before he does!

Women in the Army

  • But you know, when I look at some women, I think of great battles that have been fought. You know, didja ever stop to think of Gina Lollobrigida – Bunker Hill! Sophia Loren and Audry Hepburn – The Merrimack and The Monitor! Kate Smith – the Battle of the Bulge! Phyllis Diller …. Valley Forge. Barbara Streisand – the Little Bighorn!
  • Can you just see Phyllis Diller in the Army? Wouldn’t that be something? She’d scare the enemy to death! They’d think, “Look, they got a new deadly weapon! It’s charged with electricity — it must be, look at the hair standing on the end.”
  • And can you just see some of the guys up in the front line, and all of a sudden they hear, “Oh …. oh … oh!” And they guy says, “I’m gonna crawl over and see what that is.” He comes back, they says, “What was it?” He says, “An eight pound boy.”
  • Oh, they drafted some women, see, three women, and they took them in to give them crew haircuts. And they start screaming, “No, not my hair, not my beautiful hair! We just came back from the hair dresser, oh my hair …”. And on further examination, they found out they were three men … three men draft dodgers!
  • And they say to one lady, we’re going to put you into the Infantry. She says, “Oh, that’s fine – I love children.”

When Red Skelton was in the Army

  • Hey, when I was in the Army, they had girl soldiers. I remember they had one beautiful blonde WAC. She came up to me, she said, “I just got a weekend pass, how about us doing something really exciting?” I said, “Okay, let’s go down on Main Street and watch the parking meters expire.” And she says, “They call me a whack!”
  • Hey, you know when I was in the Army, I was up at Camp Roberts doing my basic training, and one day there was an officer came out of the Red Cross field house there, see, I didn’t know who the guy was. So he walked right by me, he says, “Just a moment, private. I saw you didn’t salute me.” I says, “Well, I didn’t know I was supposed to. I saw you coming, thought you was a field worker.” He says, “A field worker! Do you see those three stars on my shoulder? You know what that means?” I said, “You got three boys in the service?”
  • I went into the Army for three reasons myself: I was patriotic, I love freedom, and they come and got me!
  • There was one guy I was gonna tell you about up in Camp Roberts. He would walk around all the time, and every time he sees a piece of paper he’d look at it, say “That ain’t it”, find another piece of paper, “that ain’t it”. Every time he sees a little piece of paper, “that ain’t it.” So one day, a general came by and saw this guy, says, “He’s nutty, he’s a fruitcake, they’ve got to get him out of here.” So they take him up, they give him his discharge papers. He looked at it, he said, “That’s it!”

Induction Center

  • Hey, but when you go down …. Anybody going to be drafted into the Army or the Navy? When you get to that induction center, boy, don’t clown around. I did, they gave me one of those little cards that you put over one eye, and I said, “Peekaboo!” He says, “No, 1-A.”
  • I walked into the Induction center, and they said, “Look what the wind blew in.” It’s not the wind, it’s the draft!

Psychiatrists in the Army

  • Did you hear the story about the two psychiatrists out play golf? And one of them missed the putt, about three feet, see, and he says, “Aw, nuts.” The other guy says, “Let’s not talk shop.”
  • And the questions they ask the little guys when they go into the service. Like, they said there’s one little fella going into the Navy, he says, “Do you know how to swim?” He says, “Why? Are they running out of boats?”

Red ends with a pantomime of what it would be like for an Army doctor to inoculate a newly drafted woman.

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump? Act I

Beautiful French girl (Francine York) that Freddie the Freeloader is convinced is a mirage!

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in the Dump? begins with Freddie the Freeloader in World War II. He interacts with a (lost) English soldier and member of the French underground, at the ruins of a cathedral. Then, a beautiful French girl (Francine York) keeps walking by …. But Freddie’s convinced it must be an illusion!

Freddie the Freeloader in the Army during World War II in "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down in the Dump?"

Next, an MP captain comes by, and is surprised to learn that Freddie been surviving on virtually nothing for the last six months. And so, he wants Freddie to teach the G.I.s, escaping from prison camps, how to do the same until they’re rescued. So, off Freddie goes to the German border, to help Colonel Hogan, who’s escaped from Stalag 13!

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump? Act II

Bob Crane as Colonel Hogan, escaping from Stalag 13 in "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down in the Dump"

Colonel Hogan (Bob Crane) has just finished two days, tunneling out of Stalag 13. With Sergeant Schultz shortly behind him. Hogan quickly tricks Schultz into crossing over the boarder into France …. Where Schultz is now his prisoner! Of course, neither of them has nothing to survive on …. Thankfully, Freddie the Freeloader, BFC (Bum First Class) chooses that moment to make his appearance. Along with his survival kit.

Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Schultz, and Freddie the Freeloader depending on Freddie's survival skills in "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down in the Dump?"

Using a golf ball, he tricks a near-sighted hen into “stripping her gears” trying to hatch it — resulting in a chicken for dinner! No pot to cook in? “My service takes care of everything like a bikini — it covers everything that’s important.” He taunts the Germans, who fire a mortar shell … Which Freddie catches! He pops the top off, and there’s your pot. The gunpowder inside? It makes sure dinner goes off with a bang. In exchange for Freddie’s help, Hogan promises that, after the war, they’ll never forget his kindness.

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump? Act III

After World War II - Colonel Hogan & Sergeant Schultz are living in luxury - which Freddie the Freeloader can't stand!  Note the painting over the fireplace

20 years later, in the present (1967) Hogan has struck it rich. He’s living in a mansion, with Schultz as his chef, and Freddie as his permanent guest. “For all you’ve done for us, Freddie, we’ve given you all of this. You couldn’t live better if you were a TV repair man.” But, Freddie’s hobo heart is unhappy, and they think he’s trying to leave. Sure enough, he’s trying to dig a tunnel out of the mansion!

Hogan: You threw dirt on me.
Freddie: What else can you give a man who has everything?

But Freddie is fundamentally unhappy. He longs for the freedom of being a hobo. He tries to leave, but the Doberman Pincher prevents it. Freddie waxes poetic about the freedom of the bum’s life …. And they all decide to go! But first, the lovely French girl walks through, and she’s the first one into Freddie’s escape tunnel! Followed by Hogan, and Schultz (with a little help from Freddie). Finally Freddie leaves as well, and the sketch ends.

On Stage – magic trick

Red Skelton, Bob Crane, and John Banner meet on stage. Bob demonstrates a comedy “magic” trick. He has Red put a crumpled piece of paper in his mouth, that “magically” travels to Banner’s mouth, and back. With both of the assistants spoiling the trick at different moments!

The Silent Spot – Meeting the Parents

The Silent Spot - meeting the parents - Chanin Hale, Red Skelton

In the Silent Spot, a nervous suitor (Red) prepares to meet his fiancée’s parents for the first time. It’s set sometime in the 1880’s, and the parents are appropriately stern. Nervous, Red is clumsy – dropping chocolates on the floor for people to slip on, etc. He unintentionally rips father’s pocket, smears chocolate on everything, etc.

Eventually, mother and father leave the lovebirds alone in the parlor. After some tomfoolery with the light switch, they’re eventually alone in the dark – for a moment. At the slightest sound of her parents, she keeps pushing him away – comic prop comedy. There’s slapstick with lemon drops and a Victrola, but soon both couples are fighting. Red leaves, after leaving a comment on their “Home Sweet Home” – ending the sketch.

Conclusion

Red Skelton comes on stage, to say thank you, and to congratulation our Canadian friends on their 100th anniversary.

Bob Crane playing the drums in How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down in the Dump?

Music

  • Bob Crane shows off his drum skills with a rendition of ‘These Boots Are Made for Walking.’
  • There’s an interesting instrumental dance number by the Tom Hansen Dancers.
  • Yellow Rose of Texas

Cast

  • Red Skelton … Self – Host / Freddie the. Freeloader / Suitor-Silent Spot
  • The Alan Copeland Singers … Themselves
  • John Banner (36 Hours, Hogans Heroes) … Sgt. Schultz
  • Robert Carson (The Ten Commandments) … Colonel Brady — Military Police
  • Minnie Coffin … Gilfriend’s Mother-Silent Spot
  • Bob Crane (The Bob Crane Show) … Colonel Hogan
  • David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
  • Robert Easton (The Giant Spider Invasion) … Cpl. Reginald Plotz — British Army
  • Art Gilmore … Announcer (voice)
  • Chanin Hale (The Night They Raided Minsky’s) … Girlfriend–Silent Spot
  • Buddy Lewis (Harlow) … French Soldier
  • David Sharpe … Girlfriend’s Father–Silent Spot
  • Tom Hansen Dancers … Themselves
  • Francine York (The Family Man) … French Girl

Quotes

Freddie the Freeloader: My family’s from England, you know.
Cpl. Reginald Plotz: Oh really? Were they from London on the Thames?
Freddie the Freeloader: No, we were on the lam.

French Soldier: I am with the French underground!
Freddie the Freeloader: Looks like you’ve been underground a long time, buddy.

Colonel Brady: Colonel Brady here. Your rank?
Freddie the Freeloader: Well, your no bed of roses yourself.

Colonel Brady: How would you like to do something for your country?
Freddie the Freeloader: I thought I did when I left it!

French Girl: For protecting my country, I want to show you that my heart is in the right place.
Freddie the Freeloader: Well, everything else is…

Schultz: I might have been your enemy during the war, but I gave up my fatherland for you!
Freddie the Freeloader: [looking at his stomach] Gave it up? It looks like you swallowed it!
Hogan: Let’s not be bitter about Schultz’s homeland.
Freddie the Freeloader: Oh, no.
Hogan: After all, any country that has given us both the Volkswagen and Marlene Dietrich can’t be all bad.
Schultz. Not to mention German Measles.
Freddie the Freeloader: Don’t forget Bridget Bardot.
Hogan: Bridget Bardot’s isn’t German …?
Freddie the Freeloader: I know! I just don’t want to forget her!

Freddie the Freeloader: Oh, your little feathered friends, once they know you’re kind to them, they always find you. You can’t hide from ’em — they’ll spot you.