The Railroad Station – The Red Skelton Show, season 1, originally aired May 25, 1952
The Railroad Station is an early episode of The Red Skelton Show – and very funny! It features an appearance by Red’s punch drunk boxer, Cauliflower, McPugg, and an absolutely hilarious sketch with the drunken Willie Lump Lump — The Railroad Station. Enjoy!
Monologue | Cauliflower McPugg | The Hic-Cup Cure | Skelton’s Scrapbook | The Railroad Station
Monologue
Education
- The school boys have been acting up a little. I know one student has got his PHS. That’s doctor of panties and half slip.
- They have three new subjects now – they teach the 3 R’s. Raiding, rioting, and ridiculous.
- They got a new course out of USC now – they’re teaching ladders.
- This year, when the sorority girls graduate, they’ll wear cap and gowns — that’s all.
- Napoleon once said a wonderful thing about education. It was in French, I don’t know what it was …
- I said to one of the college boys, I said, “Why do you guys do stuff like that?” He says, “I don’t know about the other boys, I was cool.”
- When I went to college, we never did things like that. Us janitors had to work all the time!
Fire routine
- [“big fire at Warner Brothers” bit – an excuse to throw water (actually confetti) on the audience]
- Little does he know that was just paper all torn up …. His contract!
At the movies
- Richard and Valentina, they went to a movie this week, and they came home. I says, “Was it a good movie?” He says, “The old tumbling weed, down by the old Bar Nothing Ranch, during round up time like a hangman’s gulch.” I said, “This is what the plot was about?” He says, “This was the name of the picture.” It was a western, you see.
- I says, “Well, did you have fun?” He says, I didn’t enjoy it too much. You know, the popcorn didn’t have enough butter, and the soda pop wasn’t running cold, and then the candy bar didn’t have enough nuts in it, you know, and the ice cream dripped all over me.” I said, “You’re really a mess. How was the picture?” He says, “I don’t know – I ran out of stuff to eat so I left!”
- He said, “It ended with this poor cowboy, Rex Allen, standing there left with a schoolmarm, and believe me, that’s a fate worse than death.”
Cauliflower McPugg
[Red starts doing his punch-drunk boxer Cauliflower McPugg character, pretending he ran into him yesterday]
- He said, “Did you see my big fight last night?” I said, “No.” He said, “That’s because you didn’t come over to the house!”
- You should’ve seen me in the ring. I come out like this … [assumes boxer pose] in a very low position, you see. I’d lost my belt, my shorts were kinda loose. I step out there, and first I throw a right! Then, I threw a left! Then, I got smart and threw the fight!
- [takes his hat off in respect] Oh, they’re tolling a bell for someone.
- Look, don’t get me wrong, don’t get me wrong. Some fighters they stay in the ring too long, but not me, not me. I’m not … [jumps back] Oh, be careful, there’s a cat with a bell around it’s neck. Every morning you oughta see them wrasslers (wrestlers) I room with. They get up, and they go downstairs, and they start pruning the rose bushes. Hey, hee. They ain’t got no rose bushes! I know, I take a bouquet of flowers to my girl every day.
- [looking up] Boy, a flock of ’em flew over that time!
- I gotta tell ya a story, I gotta tell ya a story. You’ll be just amazed. [puts his hands under his arms to tell a Gertrude and Heathcliffe joke] There were two little birds flying along, see …. and just then a jet plane went by, zoom! And one little bird said, “Heavens sake, did you see how fast that bird was flying?” The other bird said, “Sure, you’d fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!”
Skelton’s Scrapbook – the Hic-cup Cure
Clem Kadiddlehopper is selling a new book this week, on how to cure hic-cups (or hiccoughs, depending on where you live).
“I’d like to tell you where you find all about hiccups, in this book here. Now, I’d like to tell you where you find all about hiccups in this book here. Now first of all, I’d like to tell what causes it. There’s nervousness, sudden shock, irritation the diaphragm, and then there’s Eastern beer.”
Clem then demonstrates various “cures” – including frightening yourself with a gun. But it’s not loaded …. bang!
Clem then comically demonstrates the various types of hiccups. There’s a funny bit of prop comedy, as Clem demonstrates drinking a large bottle of water. And then exposes the prop to the audience!
Finally, he tries to demonstrate the technique of trying to scare someone to stop their hiccups. So, someone comes on stage dressed as a monster …. Only to be scared by Clem!
Skelton’s Scrapbook – It’s Kind To Your Hands, Too
This is a non-speaking segment, as various grimy individuals walk behind a giant box of Tide, and come out sparkling clean on the other side. It follows the rule of three, but even so it seemed to drag on (personal opinion). Red entertains with some energetic dancing between each. Then, at the finally, the dapper Red goes through with a little black dog …. And comes out with a white dog!
Skelton’s Scrapbook – The Railroad Station
The Railroad Station is an absolutely hilarious Willy Lump Lump sketch. Willy is going to Niagara Falls for his honeymoon …. But his wife’s already been there, so he’s going alone! At the train station, he trips a man carrying a grandfather clock…. “Why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?” Willy talks with the station master (Benny Rubin) and finds out that his train will leave at 9:10 …
“I’ve asked fifteen people today what time it was, and did you know that not one person gave me the same answer twice?”
There’s a lot of prop comedy, ranging from the crazy clock on the wall, a pair of malicious water faucets, to the garbage can that keeps throwing the banana peel back out! When Willy wants peanuts, he tries to get them from the cigarette machine … And after an argument with Benny Rubin, it gives out … marshmallows? Supposed to be peanuts, but Wily chokes on one, and Benny does a funny bit. He has Willy lay down on the floor, Benny pumps his leg, and Willy spits it out! After, Willy decides to clownishly shave
Later, he promises to watch a suitcase for a stranger, Mr. Potts. But when Potts comes back, he doesn’t recognize him! He chases a lovely young woman (Lucille Knoch) and then he nearly misses his train. That poor brick wall …
Cast
- Red Skelton … Self – Host / Willie Lump Lump / Clem Kadiddlehopper
- David Rose and His Orchestra … Themselves
- Lucille Knoch … Woman in Railway Station, also the Tide commercial
- Frank Kreig … Mr. Potts, in the Willy Lump Lump skit.
- Bob LeMond … Announcer
- Pat McGeehan … Announcer
- Benny Rubin (How to Frame a Figg, Income Tax Sappy) … Stationmaster
- Gil Perkins … Man Looking for Warners Brothers Fire